


Summertime

by Theoffpitchdancer



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depressed Frank Iero, Fall Out Boy Members, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4750826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theoffpitchdancer/pseuds/Theoffpitchdancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank Iero is a broke, depressed, lonely 17-year-old about to start college. He moves into a new apartment, and his neighbours, brothers Mikey and Gerard and their friend, Ray, seem really great, especially the pretty older brother, Gerard. Can Frank learn to hold a friendship, or will it all go to shit like it has before?<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Frank Iero's Guatemalan Cocaine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first fic i'm putting online, so reviews/feedback would totally be appreciated. Frank moves into his new apartment and meets his neighbours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note for this is that in this fic, Frank has borderline personality disorder. He isn't aware of it and hasn't been diagnosed, but he has it and displays symptoms that can be seen as severe depression. enjoy reading!!

Frank was moving into a new apartment. It was his mom’s way of saying ‘congratulations on getting a scholarship, sorry your uncle died, then your grandfather on your father’s side, all within a month, please have the uncle’s shitty old house’. Frank hadn’t been particularly close to his uncle, but he’d been close to his grandfather. He’d stayed with his dad for a few days after the news, much to the dismay of his still-grieving mother, and so a grieving Frank ended up having to go between his parents houses every day.  
All things considered, his parents had been civil to each other upon hearing the news of each other’s family deaths, which Frank was grateful for because he couldn’t handle fighting on top of his- and his mom’s near-constant crying. 

 

Frank’s mom said that this was a ‘change for the better, assuring Frank that this was ‘for his own good, and ‘no I don’t just want you to leave’. It was downtown, closer to his university, but still only about 25 minutes from his parents by train. It was in this building that was surprisingly classy, just below doorman status, and much too good for some ragged 18 year old music student.  
The second floor apartment itself was okay, Frank had to go out and get basics like a bed and a router and all the shit that his dead uncle didn’t feel the need to keep apparently, and get ready for school, but for now he enjoyed the fact that he could eat minute ramen on his dead uncles counter, in the dark, surrounded by boxes that he should’ve been unpacking.  
Which he did, in his boxers, because fuck it, Frank Iero was an adult now, and he made his own goddamn decisions.

After the novelty of a new apartment wore off, which took about 3 minute ramens and a half hour, he mulled on the reality of his situation: he was alone, starting college in three fucking weeks, almost broke, and he was a fucking adult. He was supposed to have his shit together and he fucking didn’t. Frank needed a fucking smoke and he didn’t remember wether this stupid dead uncle building allowed that. He decided to risk whatever the punishment would be, cause he wasn’t exactly in the best mind space to give a singular fuck.  
He rooted through his various black jeans, reminding himself to buy some blue jeans once in a while, until he felt a lump in the back pocket of the jeans that were worn in the knees and inner thighs. He fished out his lighter, pulling out is fresh pack from a different pair of black jeans, absentmindedly pulling on yet a different pair and some old shirt, and looking around what he deemed to be the living room for a window to lean out of so that if there was some stupid fucking no smoking rule, he maybe wouldn't get caught.  
He found two windows too high up for him in the kitchen, but there were suitable windows in the bedroom (he didn’t want to call it his bedroom yet) facing onto the street. He opened up the window, lighting his cigarette and thinking about how horrendously fucked he was.

Frank got like this sometimes. Out of nowhere, the depression would sneak up on him and consume him. He didn’t mind it as much, he’d learned to come to terms with the fact that it was something that would always live with him, like a parasite attached to his back that sometimes fed on him in great increments, and sometimes drained him quietly, but never really left. He thought about his as he smoked his cigarette down all too quickly, blowing as much smoke as he could out the window, which went from his waist to a few inches above his head. The wind, however, decided to work against him, blowing the smoke lazily back into his nose and his apartment. Frank leaned on the windowpane, deciding to try and take his mind off of how fucked he was for the future by paying attention to the night life outside. He was in a sort of small shopping district outside of the city’s chinatown and it usually provided a fair amount of entertainment. Tonight was no different. A couple of teenagers-Frank put the older one at 24 at the oldest- were being kicked out of a grimy coffee shop directly across the street from Frank’s window.  
“Get the fuck out man, don’t come back!” A curly haired guy was shooing out he two teenagers with a smile on his face. The older, raven haired guy smiled at the younger one and wrapped his arms around him before he shouted  
“Whatever man, fuck you!” At the top of his lungs over his shoulder at the curly haired guy, who shook his head before he said  
“Up yours, Way” and walked back into the coffee shop.  
The dark haired one and the light haired one with glasses laughed and ran across the street and just like that the drama was over, leaving Frank with a finished cigarette and a longing to have a friendship like the one that the light haired, the dark haired, and possibly the curly haired guy, shared.  
And, deep down, knowing that there was a high chance he’d never truly experience anything close to a friendship like that. 

Frank finished his cigarette, extinguishing it on the windowsill, just as melancholy as before, looking around for a light switch and for something that could work as an ashtray.  
He found a switch for a light in the kitchen which wasn’t half as bright as he’d hoped or needed, but he found a good lighting track in the living room and a lamp in the bedroom. As Frank sat down to open up his laptop, he heard voices coming down the corridor towards his room.  
“I swear to god, Mikey, one day he’s gonna get tired of kicking us out” Frank heard as the voices approached his door  
“Yeah, I bet he will. Oh shit, didn’t the dude in this apartment, like, die?” Frank cracked a smile at the too-loud voices that were right outside his door discussing wether or not his uncle was dead or wether he’d actually been caught smuggling drugs and Guatemalan cocaine and had had to flee the country. Frank and his dark humour honestly couldn’t help what he did next, getting off the couch and walking over to the door as quietly as possible before opening it to face the two guys outside and proclaiming as nonchalantly as possible,  
“No, he actually died a couple weeks ago. No Guatemalan cocaine.” Frank looked at the two red faced teenagers only to see that they were the light haired one and the dark haired one from the coffee shop across the street. They both looked a little bit shocked and extremely embarrassed, the older one staring at Frank with his mouth open as the younger one (the light haired one) quickly opened his mouth to say  
“Uhm, shit, we’re, uh, we’re really sorry? Fuck dude that sucks.”  
The dark haired one seemed to compose himself and looked less shell shocked as he said  
“So, are you living here now? I mean no offence if you were close or anything, but the guy who lived here was kind of a huge dick”  
The light haired one elbowed the dark haired one in the side, but Frank smiled at the memories of what a crotchety old bastard his uncle had been.  
“Nah, dude, it’s fine. He was my uncle, and he was an ass. But at least I get his apartment I guess.” The dark haired one smiled down at Frank, and he had really nice eyes. Eyes that always looked like they knew your darkest secret. He extended his hand.  
“I’m Gerard, this is my brother Mikey. We all live in the apartment next to yours at the end of the hall. I hope you don’t mind rock music?” He asked hopefully. Frank beamed.  
“No, it’s fine, I, uh, love rock music. What do you mean we all?”  
Gerard rolled his eyes at his oversight.  
“Yeah, sorry, um, we live with our friend Ray. He works at the coffee shop across he street, he’s got this big curly head of hair, if you see him you won’t miss him. If you see him and we’re not there tell him that you’re our neighbour and that he won the bet.” Mikey groaned.  
“He doesn’t have to know he won the bet! We can just not tell him, right?” He said, turning to his brother, scared at the prospect of losing 5 bucks he desperately needed for something or other. Gerard laughed.  
“We’ll tell him eventually. So, what’s your name?” He directed the last sentence at Frank, who realized he’d overlooked introducing himself in favour of his defence of rock and looking into the dark haired one-Gerard’s really nice eyes.  
“I’m Frank. Frank Iero, the previous owner was my mom’s brother.”  
Mikey looked like he was still terrified about losing his 5 bucks but he looked at Gerard briefly.  
“Do you want to hang out at our place? I mean you don’t have to, but you know, we can talk, and hang out, we have spaghetti”  
He awkwardly asked Frank after an almost imperceptible nod passed between him and Gerard. Frank started to weigh his options, he had to consider school preparations and unpacking and all he other shit, but halfway through his rational decision he thought, ‘fuck it. fuck everything I’m supposed to do’ and made a decision that his mother would cal out of character.  
“Sure, yeah, that sounds awesome. Spaghetti sounds great.”

 

Two hours later, Frank was being destroyed at Mario Kart by Mikey and Ray (as it turned out Ray kicked them out of the coffee shop where he worked on a daily basis), drinking capri sun, and being told the rules for d&d because Gerard (Frank classified him as The Pretty One) turned out to be a huge fucking nerd and wanted Frank to be able to play because, as he said,  
“Ray doesn’t play and you can’t play with just me and Mikey and it’d be SO cool to be able to play with you whenever, you know?”  
Frank had no clue what Gerard was talking about but he was grinning and enthusiastically talking about the various rules and Frank’s bisexual ass couldn’t deny that Gerard’s smile was really beautiful. Frank cringed at his internal word choice, because he hadn’t described anything as beautiful since he’d listened to Frances Farmer will have her revenge on seattle for he first time. Gerard was explaining something about a dungeon master (Frank desperately hope it was part of he game and not weird sex stuff, but he wasn’t really listening) when Mikey threw down his controller in frustration.  
“Goddamit Ray, what’s your secret? Are you secretly the king of rainbow road?”  
Ray, who seemed to be the calmest and wisest of the three, smiled and leaned back onto the couch.  
“What can I say man. It’s all about the concentration. Also, when I was in the womb I had the choice to choose between infinite knowledge of the universe or kicking ass at mario kart, and I chose the latter.”  
Frank smiled, and then realized that he was really goddamn hungry and had been promised food.  
“Hey, guys? I’m really sorry, but, um, I was promised spaghetti? I’ve only eaten ramen all day I’m kinda starving? I’m sorry!”  
Ray looked at Mikey and Gerard, scandalized.  
“You didn’t feed him? You two are so fucking rude. We’ll eat with you cause god knows they don’t eat properly.”  
Frank was eternally grateful for Ray’s existence, and thanked him profusely as Ray microwaved the spaghetti and the sauce. 

Frank and the boys got their gigantic plates of spaghetti and sat around a small, but adequate, table off to one side of their kitchen. Nobody could talk while eating, so Frank took in the apartment.  
It was much more well furnished than his, if a little smaller. The kitchen was relatively large, with a stove and fridge and counter on one side, and the table and chairs on the other side. The kitchen opened into the living area, which had their couch and tv and various video game consoles, and well as a bookshelf which almost reached the ceiling, brimming with books that couldn’t quite fit the bookshelf the way they were supposed to, stacked on top of other books on the shelf. There was only one bedroom, the door was on the left side of the living room, and Frank could honestly say he had no idea who slept in that room or where the other two slept. Maybe they had bunk beds or something. The door on the right side of the living room was a bathroom.  
Gerard and Mikey finished their food at the same time, pushing their plates away simultaneously.  
“So Frank” Gerard started, his eyes glinting,  
“What’s your story? Who are you? What are your interests? What makes you tick? What kind of music do you like? What led you to this exact moment in your life?”  
“Which one of those do you want me to answer first?”  
“Fuck Man, I don’t know. Tell me your story.”  
Frank sighed.  
“Shit, I don’t know. I was born on halloween?”  
“That’s pretty dope” Mikey stated, smiling at Frank.  
“Thanks man. Um, I don’t know? I’m not exactly a happy person. My uncle and grandfather just died. I’m staring university in a couple weeks, I’m majoring in music, music education. I don’t know, I’m not really used to having friends. If we’re friends, I mean. Shit, please don’t be offended, I have no idea what constitutes friends.” Frank had never wanted to sink into a hole deep, deep underground than he had at this moment.  
And then Ray started laughing, which started Mikey laughing. After a couple of stunned seconds Gerard went into giggles too and Gerard’s face, the way his eyes crinkled and his teeth showed, sent Frank into laughing at himself too.  
“Frank, man, I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you, it’s just that when I first met Gerard he was like this too, he was so fucking awkward and reserved and when we first met he didn’t talk to me for like twenty minutes before he blurted out something fucking nerdy, and he had no idea how to communicate his feelings and it was fucking adorable, especially considering the fact that now we live together. Mikey was always way better at people. But still not the best, no offence Mikey.”  
Gerard was now laughing even harder as Frank stared a him, trying to imagine him being quiet and reserved, and not being able to picture it at all.  
Mikey was looking at Gerard intently.  
“I think I remember that night… I forget where you met, but Gerard came home talking about this dude with curly hair and how he wanted to be your friend but he thought he blew it. I was so surprised when you first came over, I thought you’d never be seen again.”  
Frank was grateful that he wasn’t the subject of discussion anymore, and he had a feeling that each guy individually knew the struggle of being completely shitty at social interaction.  
“Do you guys want to watch some anime?” Mikey broke the silence. Frank was surprised at the proclamation in context, but he honestly couldn’t say that the fact that these weird, accepting friends liked anime surprised him. 

Three episodes of the girliest fucking anime ever, Ouran High school something or other, Ray turned in, hugging Gerard and Mikey, and politely saying goodnight to Frank, quickly hugging him before disappearing into the bedroom. Frank had no idea wether this was his queue to leave or not, and instead of saying nothing like usually did, he decided to ask wether he should leave or not, because it seemed like Mikey and Gerard understood anxiety at least somewhat.  
“I don’t want to be rude- is this my queue to leave?”  
Mikey shrugged.  
“I’m probably going to sleep soon, but I wouldn’t mind if you stayed, and I doubt Gerard would either.”  
Gerard nodded, a smile threatening to show itself on his lips.  
“You can definitely stay longer, my sleep schedule’s permanently fucked and there’s plenty of food to go around, if you want to stay. You don’t have to though, no pressure if you want to get a healthy, human amount of sleep.” He explained, his smile betraying him as he ducked his head. Frank considered it all. He could go back to his dead uncle’s dusty, empty, dark, cigarette smelling apartment, or he could stay in his new friends apartment. He silently decided that tonight, he'd enjoy himself.  
"I can definitely stay a while longer."


	2. Mikey Way's sexuality crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has next to nothing to do with Mikey's sexuality crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got at least 3 chapters ready to go at any given time, so updates will come as quickly as possible i promise!

Two hours later, it was almost midnight. Mikey was in bed and Gerard and Frank sipped on craft beer on the couch as they discussed various aspects of themselves.  
“I’m going into my last year of art school. I have no fucking clue what I’m gonna do afterwards and I’m slightly terrified, but I’m terrified of everything.”  
Gerard mused as he slowly tipped the can towards his mouth. Frank nodded. He could relate to the utter terror at what was coming after school, or trying to get a job or an internship, even an unpaid one. Granted Gerard’s crisis was hurtling towards him like a race car and Frank’s was more like a distant, muffled race car engine. It was just over the horizon, but ever present and ever menacing.  
“I’m majoring in music, music education. It’s my first year, and I have no clue what to expect, but I guess that’s what college is about, right? Being surprised?”  
Frank tried to sound like he had half a clue what to expect, but he suspected that his tone might have given way to more questioning than stating, and he also suspected that Gerard had noticed.  
“You’ll be okay. You’re going to Rutgers? Mikey’s going into his second year there too, he can show you around.”  
Gerard was almost unreadable to Frank, he seemed to have two facial expressions: happy and stagnant. When he was stagnant, Frank couldn’t tell what Gerard was feeling or thinking, which put him off a little bit. All the same, Frank found Gerard very intriguing and more than a little pretty.  
“So… How’d you end up here, Frank?”  
Frank thought for a few seconds. He’d just met this man, but he could already tell he trusted him, more so than Mikey and Ray, and he had no idea why.  
“I’m kind of a fuck up, I guess. I’m completely average, and my mom wasn’t really prepared for that. Nobody really was, cause I was a ‘high performing’ kid or whatever. Then I got to high school and every part of it was underwhelming, including my performance, and then I developed the depression. My mom didn't believe me until the tenth grade, when I lost all my friends and almost failed something, which was kinda shit. But I got my grades up really high somehow, and now I’m a painfully average depressed music nerd with no friends who’s going to university.”  
Frank looked at Gerard to see if he could read his expression at all, and to his surprise he found a small, sad smile on Gerard’s face as he opened his mouth.  
“I’ve been there. I’m still there. You have friends now, if you want. We’re not much, but we have each other and beer. And mario kart sometimes.”  
Frank smiled at that. He had no idea how to navigate friendships, not real friendships like he was making now. He knew how to keep people at a safe distance from the clusterfuck that was his brain and his life, but now he wasn’t sure how to navigate anything, and he wasn’t 100% sure, but he might need friends like this in the months to come.  
“I want. I mean, you guys are cool. I’m glad you guys invited me over, I felt like such a loser alone in that stupid fucking apartment. I mean, it’s great living alone, but it doesn’t feel like my place. It feels like my dead uncle’s apartment, which kinda creeps me out, you know?”  
Gerard nodded, and his smile was back.  
“Do you think he could be haunting you?”  
He asked, a little overzealously for Frank to be completely comfortable.  
“I…. Have no clue? Possibly?”  
Gerard looked like he could sense Frank’s unease.  
“I’m sorry, paranormal activity is kinda my thing. It really weirds people out, but I’m super into it, and Mikey and Ray put up with it, short of me summoning spirits.”  
Frank was less creeped out, and now all the more fascinated by Gerard.  
“That’s actually so cool! What have you seen so far, ghost wise?”  
Gerard shrugged and sipped his nearly forgotten beer.  
“Not much, so far” He said as he finished the beer in one gulp.  
“An old friend of mine was haunted, but she was already going to move out of the place when the haunting started and I didn’t get too much time to investigate it. I feel like it’s way better in theory than in practice.”  
Frank giggled quietly, letting himself smile a bit.  
“I think you’re right. A lot of things are like that, though, for instance: school.”  
Gerard laughed, running his hands through his hair and bringing his legs onto the couch, bending them at the knees so that his feet weren’t quite touching Frank, but his face was still higher than his knees.  
“I’m not much good at friends either, Frank. But I have a good feeling about you and I don’t really get good feelings about anyone, anymore. So you’re pretty special, Frank. Oh, what’s your last name?”  
Frank was surprised, both that he hadn’t introduced himself fully, and that he was even being asked his last name by a pretty boy on said pretty boy’s couch.  
“Shit, I’m sorry. Iero. My name’s Frank Iero.”  
Gerard’s smile was radiant, teeth and all.  
“Way. Gerard Way, I mean, not like ‘no way’. I mean, yes Way. I’m Gerard Way. My brother’s Mikey Way. Ray’s not related to us, as much as the three of us bear a striking physical resemblance.”  
Frank laughed again, and somehow Gerard had found a way to put him at ease and quell all his worries, which Frank had yet to find in anyone other than his mother, and even with her it was all rather unreliable.  
“This is completely unrelated, but are there any rules against smoking in this building?” Frank asked, desperate for the answer he wanted.  
“I don’t think so? I’ve never been busted, but I don’t smoke very often, and I keep it in the apartment. Don’t tell Mikey.”  
Frank was satisfied with this answer, nodding.  
“What about you, Gerard Way” Frank tested out the last name. “What’s your story?”  
Gerard sighed.  
“It’s not very long or very interesting.” Gerard said, his facial expression going back to being stagnant and unreadable.  
“I’m an art nerd, and I always have been, music too. So I never really sought out friends, and people never really sought me out. I’ve had a few friends come and go, but mostly it’s been me and Mikey against the rest of the world. He was the first person I came out to.”  
This took Frank by surprise.  
“You’re gay?” He asked, trying to suppress the hope in his voice but probably failing.  
“Honestly, I have no fucking clue what I am, Frank Iero. I’m somewhere on the kinsey scale but I’m not fully anything or anything else.”  
Frank took this into consideration. He was going to avidly hope that his little crush on Gerard went away, and soon, because he couldn’t go around dating his only friend.  
“That’s cool, I’m kinda like that too. I mean I feel the inherent need to label myself as something, so I choose to label myself as bi, but in reality I have no fucking clue what I am. I guess that when it comes down to it, cute people are cute people and I don’t really care about their gender.”  
Gerard nodded slowly.  
“I think that’s a really good way of putting it. I mean, when it comes to looks, I don’t think any guy’s 100% straight. All guys have at least one male celebrity they’d fuck, right?”  
It was Frank’s turn to slowly nod as Gerard smiled. Unbeknownst to Frank, Gerard was reminiscing on the many conversations he’d had with Mikey in the past about sexuality, and he was almost directly quoting Mikey, who he avidly believed to be just a little bit bisexual.  
“Definitely. Although I’ll admit that my realization started with wanting to fuck Billy Corgan back in the day, and now here I am, gayer than ever. For all intents and purposes.”  
“Dude, no way, the smashing pumpkins are the shit! They were the first concert I ever took Mikey to, he loved it.”  
And so Frank was launched into a conversation about bands, and rock, and punk rock, and punk culture, and grunge, and back to rock again, which lasted longer than either of them had bargained for. Neither of them noticed the time until Gerard pulled out his phone to look up a video of Nirvana’s unplugged mtv show when they noticed how late it was.  
“Shit, it’s almost 2. Frank, I probably shouldn’t keep you here any longer.  
Frank sighed, but he knew that Gerard was right.  
“Yeah, I guess you’re right man. Thanks. For being so nice, and open and stuff. And give Ray and Mikey my thanks too. You guys are fucking cool, I’m glad I’m living next to you and not some old white guy or something.”  
Gerard smiled, and Frank had no clue what was going through his head because even his smile was unreadable.  
“Goodnight Frank. Knock on the wall so I know you get home safe.”  
Frank couldn’t tell if Gerard was joking or not, but he’d do it anyways because why the fuck not? It’d be bonding or something. It was weird, but Frank could see that Gerard, as well as Frank and Mikey, were weird. Or maybe Gerard was weird and Frank and Mikey indulged him an egged him on, but Frank suspected that it was the former rather than the latter as he opened the door to his apartment.  
It was 2 in the morning and even though Frank was practically dropping, the loneliness of the barren apartment wasn’t lost on him. He walked towards the kitchen wall that faced the Way’s apartment (and Ray, but Frank had to abbreviate to something in his mind) and knocked twice.  
A few seconds later he got a knock back, and he smiled, turning away from the wall and venturing into the creepy bedroom.  
It wasn’t explicitly creepy, but it took Frank all of 2 seconds to feel uneasy as he sat down on the bed. He pulled off his socks and he couldn’t stop thinking about how this was all his now. Not his uncles. About how his uncle was gone, and how exactly had he died? Frank had no clue and this had been one of the last places he’d been.  
Frank slept on the couch that night. 

The next morning, Frank woke up to pain in a neck muscle he hadn’t known existed. He groaned and forced himself upright, judging from the sun flooding the bright living room that it was probably after 11 in the morning.  
As sat up, he realized how much he had to pee and how hungry he was. He took care of the former first, and he quickly realized that he had jack shit in terms of breakfast food, or knowledge of how the fuck to make it.  
After Frank peed and changed his boxers, he decided to explore downtown Newark in hopes of finding something to eat. Maybe he could pop into the coffee shop and see if Ray was working, cause at least he knew him. 

Frank absentmindedly pulled on a pair of jeans, thankful for summer ending in that it no longer uncomfortable for him to adamantly refuse to wear shorts.  
He couldn’t get away from t-shirts, however, pulling some shirt or other out of the box of clothing lying in the middle of his living room floor. He didn’t really know how he looked, but as far as he could tell, children were scared of him, and that was good enough for him looks-wise.  
He really needed to unpack, but he needed a smoke more. He didn’t usually smoke this much, it wasn’t something he did out of peer pressure or to ‘look cool’, because Frank was convinced that nothing he did would ever make him look cool. Frank simply developed it as a stress habit. Frank had taken up smoking to ease off of cutting, something he was sure was ironic.  
He was avoiding destroying his body by destroying his body. It wasn’t about choosing he lesser of two evils, he thought as he opened the window. It was about replacing his addiction with something else, and it had just so happened to be smoking. As a result, he only smoked when he was stressed, and because Frank linked it to his cutting, he only smoked when he was alone and usually sad, angry, or overly emotional, and in the last 24 hours he’d been rapidly cycling through all of these, which resulted in him craving a smoke all the time, even when he had a cigarette dangling from his mouth.  
Frank relished the heat of the cigarette, along with his self-destructive tendencies, which he knew was more than a little bit fucked up. 

Frank didn’t know how to function when he was mentally stable. It was part of the reason he’d never kept any friends, he was always fucking depressed, or on the cusp of being depressed. He always found himself dissociating at school, or splitting on people he’d called his friends. He’d found himself taking comfort in a small black knife in his back pocket by junior year. But all the same a new year brought a new cycle of friends, a new group of people to bring down with him. Frank would never admit this, not even should he go to therapy, but he always took a little joy in dragging people down to his level. He reveled in knowing that he’d made someone feel half as shitty as him, knowledge that he was toxic and abusive twisted in his gut, which translated to more cuts and burns, which led to more abuse. Frank considered himself a shitty friend and an even shittier person, but he also knew that he clung onto people, those close to him, until he choked the goddamn life out of them, and he’d have to learn not to cling so tightly. 

Frank’s bubble of self pity was extinguished, like his cigarette, much too quickly. He ground it into the windowsill, absentmindedly noting that maybe he should get something to substitute for an ashtray if he didn’t want burn marks everywhere. Frank wasn’t exactly sure what was going on in his head. His brain was fuzzy and he wasn’t thinking, he was on autopilot.  
Had Frank been more in his mind, he’d recognize that he was dissociating. But he was already too far gone and there was no saying what would bring him back, or when. He had no idea what he was doing or where he wanted to go as he pulled on his shoes without paying any attention to the world around him. He put his earbuds in and opened his phone, putting on something, he couldn’t hear the notes or instruments so much as the dull hum of the melodies and the irregular beating of the drum that was in his head and his heart. He left his apartment, eyes unfocused and body tense, for no particular reason. He stopped in front of the elevator, pressed the button, was greeted by an empty elevator. He pressed the ground floor button without really thinking about it when suddenly he was brought completely out of his dissociation by a loud voice that yelled something. Frank vaguely recognized as he pulled out his earbuds. After a couple of seconds trying to register where he was and what time it was, he registered that someone was yelling his name.


	3. Frank Iero has a panic attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much trouble splitting chapters... If i'm being completely honest i'm tempted to make a chapter about 7-8k words but then i'd update so slowly. Anyways i just got to 12k total so here's an update! I'll probably do updates 2 chapters in 2 days and then a pause. I just really don't like where this one ends. To be honest i'm a little weird with dialogue so if it seems a little awkwardly written, it's because i'm just really bad at dialogue (in writing and real life). But enjoy!

A tall guy with lighter hair was running towards the elevator- and that’s right, this was Mikey Way, his neighbour. He was leaving the apartment building. For food. And now he had company.  
“Shit, hi, sorry!” Frank said, crowding the doors so they didn’t close on Mikey.  
“Hey Frank, thanks, I was scared that I’d look like a crazy person, shouting at a closed elevator. Where ya headed?”  
Frank felt a little bad about his fogginess as he pressed the button to the ground floor, trying to think of a reply, but he honestly had no clue.  
“I don’t actually know? I don’t have any food, so I’m gonna try and find somewhere that has breakfast food. Or any food, at this point.”  
Mikey adjusted his glasses, looking down and smiling.  
“There’s this coffee shop across the street, Ray works there, he’s there now I think, we could definitely pop in there and see if he’s almost done or getting a break soon. Gerard might be there too, I have no clue where he is half the damn time.”  
Frank smiled.  
“What about you, what do you do?”  
The elevator reached the ground floor and Mikey stepped out as he explained.  
“I’ve gotta pay for college but I couldn’t stand that fucking coffee shop, the managers are evil and the owner’s an asshole, and all of the patrons are pretentious fucks who think they’re better than me because they don’t need to work a low wage job. I quit after two weeks, now I work at this record store downtown. It’s okay I guess.”  
Frank, at least, felt a little better about his tendency to overshare.  
“I don’t work right now and I have no idea where to go right now. I’m lazy as hell though, so I probably won’t start looking till I’m unpacked. Knowing me, it might take a while.”  
Mikey smiled.  
“I can totally relate to that, Gerard and I take after each other in that we both have the same bad habits. When we first moved in together Ray ended up unpacking everything while Gee and I ate pizza. He’s still bitter.”  
Mikey explained this as they left the apartment building and ran across the street, avoiding the oncoming traffic narrowly as they shielded their eyes from the near blinding sun. He dragged Frank onto the sidewalk with him, chuckling slightly, and Frank had no idea wether it was at his failure to jaywalk properly or at the memories of first moving into the apartment with Gerard and Ray.  
Mikey led him through the muggy day into the air conditioned coffee shop.  
Frank noted that it was somewhat of a hipsters haven. It was slightly grimy and under furnished, with tiling that had once been white along the walls. It was dimly lit and empty as Mikey and Frank sat down near the cash register.  
Ray hadn’t even noticed them come in, but Mikey made sure he noticed him as he approached the cash and leaned down on Ray’s head where he laid it down on the counter.  
“Jesus fucking christ. Mikey, dude, you scared the shit outta me, I thought you were my boss.”  
Frank saw Mikey smirk.  
“With that reaction, you’re damn lucky I’m not your boss. Besides, I bet the cooks would have your back, right?”  
Mikey waved at the tired looking ‘cook’ sitting on the counter. Frank looked at him in disdain. Their only real job was heating up food in the morning and turning on coffeemakers.  
“Some day soon I’ll fight you Mikey Way. Oh hey, you brought Frank. Your name is Frank, right? It’d be super embarrassing if I got that wrong, oh my god, I’m so sorry, you know, if I did.”  
Frank smiled and got up.  
“No, don’t worry, you’re totally right. I would’ve never forgiven you, though. I’m cold hearted and ruthless when it comes to names.”  
Ray smiled, and Frank was comforted by the fact that Ray was easy to read, easier than Gerard.  
“Well, it’s a good thing I remembered or else we’d have to move to get away from your wrath.”  
Frank smiled, taking in Ray’s words and easy smile as a sign that he was comfortable with him, even if he wasn’t 100% certain on his name. Maybe Ray was just the kind of person who made friends easily, was comfortable with anyone and everyone. Frank envied his easy smile, not being able to be legitimately bitter about it as Ray was just so amicable.  
“Do you guys have any food? Like breakfast food or sandwiches or anything?”  
Frank asked, remembering his original task as his stomach turned on itself.  
“I’m about ten seconds away from digesting myself.”  
Mikey laughed as he casually hopped the counter, talking as Ray looked at him indignantly but didn’t make any comments.  
“They’ve got muffins and cookies and cakes and stuff. The cookies aren’t good though, and the cake looks good but tastes like shit, and most of the muffins are bran. Your best bet is probably a blueberry muffin or some banana bread.”  
Ray rolled his eyes, smiling at Mikey, who was pulling out a muffin of some sort for himself.  
“Uh, banana bread sounds good? And can I have a cup of coffee?”  
“Do you want regular black coffee or expensive macchiato type stuff?”  
Ray asked. Frank cringed, remembering that he was broke as all hell, before replying.  
“I’m going into college with no job so a small black coffee please”  
Mikey smiled. Frank guessed that his absolute lack of disposable income was relatable as Mikey turned to him, his mouth full of muffin.  
“O could tphtlly hvk you uph!”  
Mikey said, his mouth still full of muffin as he sprayed crumbs that Ray somewhat disgustedly wiped off the counter. Frank laughed gently, taking the banana bread that Ray had gotten out.  
“Sorry, that was awful, I mean I could totally ask around and see if anyone needs workers? Are you looking for any jobs in particular?”  
“I’m really just looking for anything that pays enough for groceries and has flexible hours, so if either of you has anything, please please please tell me, and get me an interview or something. I dunno, I’m just kinda desperate to go into college with some form of income you know?”  
Mikey and Ray both nodded. Ray looked more sympathetic, probably because he was in his third year and he fucking hated his apron. He looked like he was musing on this, Frank remarked as Ray’s easy smile disappeared for a few seconds while he poured coffee for himself and Frank. He wordlessly slid the cup over to Frank as his effortless smile reappeared on his face. Frank had already decided that he liked Ray, but now, as they sipped coffee together wordlessly as the younger Way brother devoured his muffin, he was grateful for Ray’s presence. Ray was like a sunbeam shining directly onto his life, but not in an annoying way. In a way that made the light welcome, the kind that made you excited for summer. Frank didn’t exactly have a lot of that in his life. Frank knew that Ray had at least some idea of how he felt, because at the very least Frank could tell that Gerard would be the kind of person who sometimes needed silent companionship, the way he did, but who also couldn’t survive without noise sometimes. Or maybe Ray was just a really, really, really cool guy and could read people well. Either way, Frank was grateful for the silence, because it wasn’t empty, it didn’t need to be filled. It was just silent as he sipped his coffee, leaning on the counter and looking around at the shop.  
It wasn’t much, just a hole-in-the-wall type of place, but it seemed kind of homey, and he could see why Mikey felt so comfortable in here without actually working there. The lights weren’t too bright, it wasn’t too cold, it was well-stocked, and apparently not very well populated at 12pm on a thursday. Mikey was done with his muffin and much less comfortable with the silence, apparently.  
“You guys are so quiet, what’s wrong? Who died?”  
Mikey realized what he’d said, and his eyes widened as he frantically opened his mouth to apologize.  
“Ohmygod, Frank I’m so sorry, shit, I didn’t realize what I’d said, I’m really sorry”  
Frank started laughing. He couldn’t help it. His uncle was dead and he didn’t feel that bad about it, past the initial shock and realization that he’d never really gotten to know the guy, and now Mikey thought he felt really awful, and he laughed at the irony of it. Mikey was feeling the guilt and remorse instead of him, and he was laughing at the poor guy. Every single one of these thoughts crossed Frank’s mind as he continued to laugh, doubling over as he saw Ray and Mikey look at each other, confused as all hell.  
“Dude, it’s totally fine. We weren’t close or anything, it’s just. Oh my god”  
He paused to take a deep breath before bursting out into laughter again.  
“I’m so sorry you just feel way worse about it than I do, don’t worry. You’re good in my books.”  
Mikey looked relieved, but even more worried. Ray was chuckling to himself too, which made Mikey look even more worried.  
“What do you mean, I felt worse than you did? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking.”  
Frank took a sip of his coffee, sobering up a little bit, but not enough to shut down. He shrugged.  
“I dunno. We were never really close, and I never really felt bad about his death. It hurt my mom, so it hurt me, but not really. It doesn’t really matter for me, especially the way it did-does for her.”  
Ray leaned forward on the counter.  
“That makes sense. Don’t feel guilty about it. Like I said, Mikey’s not the best with people.”  
Mikey looked offended, but his face lifted after a second and Frank had a feeling that it was because he knew that Frank was right.  
An hour or so later, Frank and Mikey were sitting on the counter facing Ray on the other side, having briefly hopped off to sit at a table a few times as people wandered in and wandered out after buying a pastry or a coffee.  
As they sat on the counter, talking about high school, a shitty subject for Frank, but these guys made it fun and amicable, Gerard walked in. He walked in like a storm, brow furrowed and head bowed. He looked good, wearing a frown like it was the next big thing and stomping through the relatively empty coffee shop to where they were. Mikey spoke up first.  
“How bad?”  
Gerard’s frown waned a little bit as he leaned over the counter and addressed Ray more than Frank and Mikey.  
“Give me a large coffee please, I need it.”  
He turned to Frank and Mikey.  
“These pretentious 12 year olds came in and they were acting superior and making fun of people based off of their musical preferences and I politely told them to be respectful and these snot-nosed kids said I could go fuck myself behind my back so I politely told them they gave rock a bad name, and my next strike gets me fired.”  
Gerard looked pissed, but not regretful. Mikey looked incredulous, but not entirely surprised as Gerard told the story, piping in after he was done, with a lower voice, looking around at the not entirely shop.  
“They sound like assholes, that shit shouldn’t fly”  
“Well, it’s a fucking hot topic, honestly I don’t know why I got so worked up. But they were assholes and you know what? I don’t regret it.”  
A small smile creeped across his face and he said that, and Mikey giggled, probably at the utter stupidity of the entire situation.  
“I can truly and honestly say that that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t believe you work at a fucking clothing store. The amount of shit you get into at work is amazing”  
Ray brought over a gigantic mug of coffee, shooing the guys away from the till as a customer walked up. Gerard smiled at him and threw a five onto the counter. He and Mikey led Frank to a little table in the back, pulling another chair up to it and sitting down.  
“So. What gossip have I missed?”  
Mikey smiled at Frank.  
“High school wasn’t just shitty for you and me, apparently.”  
“Isn’t it just universally shitty?”  
Gerard asked, posing this question to Frank as he stretched himself out on his chair, and Frank was trying his best to not be distracted by Gerards body. Not in an awkwardly sexual way, but- Okay, kind of in an awkwardly sexual way. Frank dismissed all thoughts of Gerards body from his mind and thought instead of the partially rhetorical question posed to him.  
“I don’t know about universally, but it was not the funnest time for me.”  
Gerard laughed, and Frank decided that it was probably because neither of them had had a good time in high school.  
“I was the worst in high school”  
Frank stated without meeting anyones eyes. He’d more said it to get it out of him, so they knew that he was prone to fucking up friendships. Gerard contemplated this, nodding slowly.  
“How bad? Like jock bad, pretentious smart person bad, or asshole bully bad?”  
Frank was pissed because Gerard remained eternally unreadable and he had no idea what Gerard thought of him. Mikey looked sympathetic.  
“So was I, I was so pretentious.”  
Frank smiled, imagining Mikey trying to act superior. He must have been awful to be around.  
“I didn’t have a lot of friends, but I was an asshole to them. I ended up going through friendship rotations every year because they couldn’t stand me for that long. It was awful”  
Mikey nodded, as if ti was something he’d done and understood, which Frank was almost certain he didn’t. He gathered irrationally hostile feelings towards Mikey in the space of five seconds before Mikey opened his mouth to speak.  
“I knew someone who went through the exact same thing. It was really rough and I couldn’t do anything to help, I’m sorry it sucked. But hey, at least you’re here now, right?”  
All of Frank’s irrational hostility immediately evaporated. Mikey looked hopeful and Frank could tell that he was more than a little bit uncomfortable talking about stuff like this, friendships and high school. It must have been rough for all of them, and after all, they were still in a public place that got more crowded as the hour dragged on and people’s work lunches rolled around. Ray was off preparing something or other and the 'cooks' were actually working. Frank smiled slightly.  
“Yeah, I’m here now.”  
He looked up at Gerard as he said this, just to try and see if he was smiling, because shit his smile was so pretty, and was startled to meet Gerard’s eyes.  
“And we wouldn’t have it any other way”  
Gerard was smiling, and he lightly grabbed Frank by the sleeve and pulled him out of his chair.  
“Come on Mikey, let’s show him the town.”  
Mikey eagerly got up and they marched Frank out of the shop, shouting goodbyes to Ray over their shoulders as they dragged a slightly uncomfortable Frank out of the shop and into the summer heat.  
“So where exactly are we going?”  
Mikey and Gerard smiled at each other without replying. 

 

Two and a half hours later, they’d traveled downtown and looped all the way back up, Mikey had taken them into various small music stores, talking to patrons and owners alike, as Frank and Gerard hung back and checked out cd’s, talking amongst themselves. Gerard had dragged them into a comic book store, spending over an hour enthusiastically showing Frank his favourite comics (Frank tried to note all of the obscure superheroes Gerard liked). As they’d walked, Frank and Gerard had talked about everything as Mikey socialized. They’d talked about horror movies mostly, comparing the movies they’d grown up, from classics (“The shining shaped my movie love as a kid”) to obscure films and well loved horror movies. Frank liked to think that he’d been a nerd, but shit, he was barely bordering geekdom compared to Gerard. They’d circled back to the coffee shop, where Ray was just getting off work. As they stood outside the shop, Ray greeted and joined them. Frank had had a great time but he needed to be alone, to plug out of the world for a while. He didn’t, however, know how to tell them. They were discussing wether to get takeout or eat cold leftovers, but Frank was too antsy to pay attention. He was going into his own mind, thinking about how much of an introvert he was and that he needed to be alone, or out of the public, he just had to get out or home or somewhere that wasn’t here, but he didn’t know how to tell them without offending them so he just didn’t say anything because he really, really, really, didn’t want to fuck up these friendships. He was doing good so far, but what if they didn’t like him?  
What if they were just lying to him?  
His breathing became irregular as Mikey and Ray discussed the pros and cons of chinese food vs cold pizza. Gerard seemed to notice as Frank leaned back onto the wall and tried to even out his breathing. It didn’t work and his breathing got worse and he put his head in his hands because the world was collapsing around his and nobody liked him and he needed to get the fuck out of here. Gerard leaned down to him- fuck he was so tall and so, so pretty- and touched his arm.  
“Are you okay?”


	4. Frank Iero recovers from his panic attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really shitty at titles so. Here you go. I'm trying not to update too fast (what a problem to have, right?), cause i'm writing more slowly because school started. But here's another chapter! Thank you guys for reading this it actually means so much to me. <3

Frank couldn’t reply, he could only shake his head as he felt a lump start to form in his throat and no, no, no, fuck no, he wasn’t going to fucking cry, not on some sidewalk with three strangers, two of whom were in the midst of an animated argument about chinese food as Frank was having an unprecedented panic attack. Frank’s thoughts were racing and the world was ending, somehow, and he was trying not to fucking cry. He was also thinking about how fucked up Gerard must think he was, and how this was the end of their friendship, over before it started. All of a sudden he heard voices talking, someone was asking what was wrong- Mikey - and a voice was replying and someone was talking about panic and was being supported and his legs didn’t really work as he stood on them. He was crossing the road and Gerard was underneath him and on top of him and he was being supported by his hot neighbour during a panic attack and he wasn’t sure wether this was amazing or embarrassing. His breathing was still irregular as they walked across the road and up to the apartment building, getting on the elevator and getting in, and he registered Gerard telling Mikey and Ray to ‘go get takeout, i’ll make sure he’s okay’ as the doors closed. Frank was getting to the tail end of his panic attack as the doors closed (thankfully it was a short one) but he couldn’t breathe and the tears were starting to form in his eyes. He felt like it was safe to cry in front of Gerard but that didn’t mean that he particularly wanted to. Still, his body betrayed him and the tears started to fall as he silently tensed his entire body, trying his best not to sob audibly. Gerard noticed this and pulled Frank a little closer, not saying anything. That made Frank feel even more anxious. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Was he too weirded out by this whole situation? Was he going to dump Frank in his apartment and leave him? Why was he even here, they’d known each other for less than a day, what the fuck was he doing with a nearly complete stranger? Frank let out a muffled sob and Gerard spoke.  
“It’s okay if you can’t talk, but I’m gonna take you into our apartment because I don’t have a key to yours or anything.”  
The elevator dinged and Gerard was still supporting some of Frank’s weight, even as he regained his legs more fully. As his body became more tense and the tears continued to flow from his eyes, Frank felt the shame and embarrassment set in. It just fucked him up even more internally, as he realized that he definitely wouldn’t be able to face Mikey or Ray tomorrow. He would never be able to face Gerard again, however. As soon as his thoughts could become words and his words could become sentences and his legs worked the way his legs usually worked, he would be out of their apartment and back to his barren dead uncle apartment and lonely midnight cigarettes.  
“Can you talk yet?”  
Gerard asked as Frank sat down on the couch. He didn’t ask disdainfully, Frank noticed. He was concerned, and Frank was starting to feel less tension in his body. The tears were stopping, too, and Frank opened his mouth.  
“I’m so fucking sorry”  
He couldn’t say anything else because the tears were back. He wiped his face with the back of his hands and drew his knees up to his chest, working on evening out his breathing. Gerard stood at the other end of the couch. He shrugged.  
“You don’t have to be sorry. Mikey has social anxiety, and he’s had a couple of panic attacks over the years. I mean not many, and I get them too, so I know what they look like, but like mine are usually cause by something bigger. Shit, I’m ranting, are you okay? Do you need any water?”  
Gerard’s voice was nice. It wasn’t especially high but it was thin somehow, and he had a nice lilt to his voice that soothed Frank. He was a little glad that it had been the hot older brother to take care of him. Not that he didn’t love Ray and Mikey, but he had a soft spot for a nice smile and pretty eyes.  
“I-I think I’m okay for now.”  
Frank’s voice sounded weak and watery and on he verge of tears and he hated it. Gerard sat down on the opposite end of the couch, bringing his feet underneath him.  
“Do you know what caused it? Just so we can avoid it, in the future. I mean, if you want to hang with me, us, in the future. You don’t have to, don’t feel obligated to, we’re your neighbours, not your owners….. I’m sorry, I ramble.”  
Frank cracked a little smile. Gerard was adorable when he rambled. He was usually the one who did the rambling, but it suited Gerard more, somehow.  
He sniffed a little bit, cringing at how pathetic he was.  
“I guess I was just outside for too long. I just needed to be alone, or inside, just….. In a situation that was easier for me to be in, I guess. I don’t really know. I’m really sorry. I can’t believe this happened.”  
Frank was still a little pissed at himself for full on breaking down at the feet of a very handsome man and his two friends, but more than a little grateful that they knew how to deal with it, and would probably still want to associate with him. He didn’t want to get lost in his own head, so he weakly tried to make conversation.  
“Have you had to deal with this a lot? Really bad panic, I mean.”  
Gerard looked contemplative.  
“For Mikey, he’s more just generally an anxious person. He’s pretty good when he’s around me and Ray, but not really anyone else. I don’t know, I keep pushing him to make university friends, but I’m not really the best example. I’m more of a hermit than anything else.”  
“You don’t have any friends at art school?”  
“I mean, not really. You’d think we’d all be best friends and it’d be a conglomerate of weird misfits who get along perfectly, but it’s more a bunch of pretentious nerds who compete with each other even when they don’t really have to. It gets annoying. I don’t know, I withdrew myself from that scene a while ago I guess. Now I just go to classes and do the work.”  
Frank nodded.  
“Honestly, I’m fucking terrified for school. I don’t fully know what I want to take outside of music, I don’t know what I want to do with my degree, I don’t even know how I’m gonna pay for food or internet or anything. I’m practically shitting myself and school hasn’t even started.”  
Gerard looked empathetic. Frank wanted to know so much about Gerard. He wanted to get to know him, which was weird and nearly unheard of in Frank’s recent life.  
The last person he’d tried to befriend had been this guy named Neil, and he’d ended up ditching him after school had ended. They’d had a little group of friends, but he’d left the group behind, and definitely didn’t want to go back to them after meeting Gerard and Ray and Mikey.  
“You’ll be okay. Honestly, it’s not as bad as everyone makes it out to be, if you know what to be ready for. For instance, don’t procrastinate bills. Mikey and I learned that the hard way once, when Ray was gone over a weekend with his brother. See, Ray’s about eighty percent of our control, cooking, and bill paying. He’s the only responsible one. God knows how great he’d do on his own. I don’t know why he stays with Mikey and I, he’s too nice.”  
“I mean you’re not exactly rude yourself.”  
Gerard scrunched his nose at Frank.  
“Yeah but you’re on the receiving end of Way brother hospitality, not Way brother body odour and deadline missing. We had no electricity, just cause we both forgot. We had the money, we just forgot, and there was whole fucking fiasco, it was awful. Point being, pay your bills. I feel like your weird mentor.”  
It was Frank’s turn to scrunch his nose at Gerard.  
“That just sounds weird. I’m not a baby, I’m seventeen.”  
Gerard laughed out loud a little bit at that, but he met Frank’s eyes and realized something- Frank could see it. He wasn’t sure what, but something had changed in Gerard’s eye. Frank was way better at reading people than interacting with them.  
“I’m sorry, most people who say that are full of themselves and think they’re going to be rock stars or philosophers or something stupid. I promise you’re not a baby. I do feel old, though”  
Frank was a little daunted. Gerard couldn’t be too much older than him right? What if he was thirty, and not even legal Frank was considering dating someone almost twice his age?  
“How old are you? I mean I revealed my age without problem so I hope you tell me. Unless you’re a pedophile.”  
Frank cringed internally but let the words hang in the air, desperately hoping Gerard wouldn’t notice the connotations attached to them.  
“I’m 23. I promise I’m not going to prey on you until it’s legal.”  
Frank rolled his eyes at a comment which would usually make him uncomfortable, but was welcome in this context.  
“I mean, you don’t have too long to wait.”  
Frank considered telling Gerard to keep it in his pants for two months, but honestly he didn’t want to lie to himself or to Gerard. The man (that word sounded so fucking weird in Franks mind compared to him. He was just a teenager) was beaming at him from across the couch, and it was evident that neither of the really knew how to proceed. They mutually, silently, agreed to sweep it under the rug for the time being as Gerard’s face changed yet again.  
“Are you feeling okay now? I sent Mikey and Ray for food, they’ll come back with more chinese food than they can carry, if you want to stay. You don’t have to, it’s just us, but I want to make sure you’re okay.”  
Gerard looked kind of embarrassed, as though he’d thought that Frank’s panic attack had been his fault. He was confident in his delivery of the words, however, and he seemed to feel more than he showed. He continued to be unreadable, which made every interaction he had with Frank harder. He was intriguing, pretty eyes and wavy hair, and intelligence. Frank wasn’t completely sure wether he wanted to be Gerard or be with Gerard, but either way, he was certain he’d find a way to fuck it all up eventually.  
“Are you asking me to stay for dinner? You have two months to wait, Gerard”  
Gerard moved closer to Frank to hit him lightly.  
“Just cause I’m into guys doesn’t mean I’m into you.”  
He proclaimed, somewhat defiantly. He jutted out his chin and Frank noticed that he bore a striking resemblance to a pouting child. Frank didn’t know why, but he found it endearing.  
“So there.”  
He stuck out his tongue at Frank, who stuck his tongue out back.  
“I know you’re lying, but I’ll let it go.”  
Frank was proud of himself.  
“Until it’s legal”  
Frank was more proud of himself, especially when he saw Gerard’s cheeks flush lightly.  
“I’d wink at you, but I can’t wink and it’d just look stupid.”  
Gerard said, probably trying to reclaim his dominance in the conversation.  
“Normally I’d say you were lying but I really don’t think you are.” Frank said.  
And he was telling the truth, for once.  
“Oh hey, remember when I told you that I don’t smoke much?”  
Gerard said, moving an inch or so closer to Frank as if he was trying to make Frank feel small.  
“I may or may not have lied to look like a better person than I really am”  
In all honesty, Frank should’ve been surprised, but wasn’t. Frank did that too, much too often, usually just for the fun of lying. Especially when he met new people. He didn’t classify himself as a compulsive liar, even though maybe he should have. But he hadn’t lied to Gerard yet, which he considered to be a feat in and of itself.  
“I’m not gonna judge you, I mean shit, I know I’m gonna die and I know cigarettes are gonna kill me faster than usual, and I guess I’m prepared for that, you know?”  
Gerard nodded, looking deep in thought as he pulled out his phone.  
“It looks like Ray and Mikey are gonna take longer than planned. Do you wanna have a smoke? They really don’t like when I smoke, but we’ve got time”  
Frank really needed a smoke after his panic attack. It was his way of calming himself down, which confused him if he thought about it enough. But now wasn’t a time for thinking, now was a time to share self destructive tendencies with his hauntingly beautiful neighbour.  
And so they shared their self destructive tendency, something Frank viewed as very intimate. But he didn’t say that. He just sat on the couch with his cigarette between his fingers, trying not to think about the fact that Gerard was slowly killing himself, and how unsettling it was that he looked so pretty doing it. Truth be told, Frank had never smoked in the presence of another person, because it was something he did as catharsis when he was feeling overly emotional and wanted to detach. It was his bad habit and he’d never shared it with anyone, and yet here he was, and here Gerard was, and they were breathing death together, and it was poetic somehow, but Frank was exhausted and didn’t have the energy to think about what it could mean. Instead of thinking, he enjoyed the way Gerard’s cigarette looked between his lips, and how he looked when he took the cigarette and lightly blew the smoke into Frank’s face.  
“Whatcha thinking about, Frank?”  
Frank wasn’t used to that question. He contemplated how to answer for a minute.  
“I usually smoke alone.” He eventually confessed.  
“I usually smoke to get over my shit, I’m just not used to… I don’t know, another person being with me.” He continued. Gerard frowned.  
“I never really thought about it, but I guess I do too. It’s stupid, honestly. Do you ever think about the fact that we are inhaling cancer?” He said, taking a long drag on his cigarette. Frank smiled a little bit. He thought about it all the time. The irony that he was smoking instead of self-harming. He was hurting his inside instead of his outside, and he wanted to tell Gerard that. He wanted to tell Gerard everything, everything about him, everything he knew about the world at large, and more so, he wanted to learn about Gerard and share his experiences. This was when Frank realized how massively and colossally fucked he was.  
“I think about it a lot. Usually during the cancer inhalation.”  
Gerard’s lips twitched upwards around his cigarette. Frank melted inside a little bit around his.  
“Mikey’s tried to get me to quit. He’d call me a bad influence on you right now, no doubt. I love the little dweeb.” Frank wasn’t exactly surprised. Mikey was a good guy and probably an even better brother.  
“You’re a terrible influence. You literally saved me from panicking in the street. You’re utterly despicable, Gerard Way.”  
Gerard giggled a little.  
“You’re gonna realize how shitty of a person I am eventually, trust me.”  
Frank sobered up quickly. Gerard could be awful for all he knew, but he definitely couldn’t be half as awful of a dude as Frank. This was almost a certainty, Frank decided, taking a drag of his cigarette.  
“I doubt that you’re half as awful as I am. I’ll have you know I have a hell of a lot of shit in my system.”  
Gerard ground his cigarette butt into the ashtray on the coffee table.  
“Tell me. Tell me all of it.” He said, lifting his head and looking Frank in the eye. He looked dead serious and Frank had no choice but to tell him. He didn’t have the time to overthink, to tell himself that he was selfish for telling other people about his problems.  
“Are you sure? I mean, no offence, it’s not the nicest story and I don’t want to- I mean, I don’t want you to think I’m weird.” Honestly, Frank had never really opened up to anyone, but for some reason he trusted Gerard and was ready to tell him everything. Frank wasn’t quite sure what ‘everything’ was, but he was willing to find out, if Gerard was willing to stay with him. Gerard was on his phone again.  
“Our food will definitely be a while, we definitely have time to talk about… Shit.”  
Frank smiled a bit.  
“Alright. I don’t know where to start.”  
“I’ll start than. I’ve got a substance abuse problem that’s connected to depression, I guess. I’ve got it under control and I’m something like two months clean, but the depression isn’t going away anytime soon.” Frank didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t used to people being blunt with him. He wasn’t used to people talking to him.  
“I’m glad you’re getting over that. I’ve just got cigarettes. But I think I’m depressed. Every time it hits me I know that’s what it is, but then when it passes I’m not sure. I’m never sure, and I fucking hate doctors, I feel like they’re judging me, you know? So I just avoid them except when necessary, I guess.”  
“I get that. I don’t know, I got diagnosed and I got medication but it just slowed me down and made me tired and I stopped taking it. It was probably a dumb decision, but I haven’t started taking it again, and I don’t plan on it.”  
Gerard ran his hands through his hair and looked so stressed even talking about this that Frank felt a pang of guilt for even making him talk about his problems.  
“You don’t have to talk about this, I mean, if you don’t want-I mean, if you’re uncomfortable, I can just talk about myself. Not in a selfish way, just. You know.” Frank hoped to god he knew.  
“I’m alright, it’s just weird. Like, I trust you. A lot. I hope that doesn’t sound creepy, but I trust you, Frank.”  
Frank considered this. He was surprised, not because of the way Gerard felt about him, but because of the way he felt towards Gerard. He trusted him, and he wasn’t sure why, but he was already more comfortable with Gerard than he was with his family, and he wasn’t unsettled about it. In fact, he relished every second he spent with Gerard away from his musty old apartment. Sure, he liked Ray and Mikey, but he really loved Gerard. In a normal, bros, platonic, I don’t care about the curvature of your ass, kind of way. Mostly.  
“I trust you too. I mean shit, if I’m being completely honest, my life is a cocktail of undiagnosed mental illness, and I don’t really tell anyone that, but I’ve known you for 48 hours and you know that about me. Which definitely counts for something, trust me.”  
Gerard smiled, and his smile put Frank completely at ease. He wasn’t anxious at all anymore, he wasn’t overthinking.  
“I don’t really have any people skills, which kinda blows. I’m good at first meetings and job interviews but then I see the person again, or I get the job, and I’m completely different. I’m not at ease anymore and I can’t talk to that person properly. It kinda blows, you know?”  
Frank could definitely relate. In high school, he’d alway socialize initially, make small talk, shit talk teachers, make ‘friends’. But when it came time to move from casual acquaintances to friends, he was always at a loss because he couldn’t make small talk about himself. He liked angry music, he was an angry person. He couldn’t relate to people around him, and they couldn’t relate to him, so he just stayed alone. He’d always had a group of kids to be alone with, who were half as angry as him, but music was as far as their bond went, and he never really opened up to them, which always made leaving them over some insignificant drama or other easier.  
“I understand that. I’m good at meetings and bad at friendship. In all honesty, I never open up to people, then I get bored of them because of how little we bond, which is my fault in the first place. Then I leave them because, I don’t know, I need something interesting in my life, and petty drama is interesting. I probably sound like a fucking sociopath right now. But I feel like I’m just another asshole a lot, and that doesn’t really disprove it.” Frank realized how all over the place that was, but he let himself talk anyway. Gerard moved closer to him until they were right next to each other, shoulders touching. Frank let himself lean on Gerard’s shoulder and normally he would be a little bit uncomfortable but Gerard was adorable and kind, and he didn’t mind sharing his space with him.  
“You’re different, Frank Iero.” Gerard murmured. And Frank smiled, because in that moment, just for a little while, he was what Gerard needed, and Gerard was what he needed.


	5. Frank Iero's date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard and Frank get friendly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter, i'm sorry but school started and my mental health is already going under so i haven't been as focused on writing. This is sort of a filler chapter but i promise i'll update soon.

They’d stayed together (Frank didn’t like the word cuddled. He wasn’t sure why.) For a long time. Neither of them were sure exactly how long, though, because eventually they’d both fallen asleep on each other. Frank awoke the the fragrance of chinese food and Ray’s voice calling them from where he’d just entered. Frank had fallen not quite into Gerard’s lap, but was leaning over far enough that his head was on Gerard’s chest and he could hear his heat beating, and just for a second, he wished he could stay like that a little longer. He hummed quietly onto Gerard’s chest and heard his heartbeat speed up a little as he woke up.   
“Hey guys, thanks for bringing back food.”  
Frank sat up, to Gerard’s groans of protests. In retaliation he sat on his elbows, digging them into Gerard’s stomach.   
“No offence but please get your elbows out of my gut” Gerard wheezed. Frank quickly got off of his elbows, slightly embarrassed at himself. Mikey was walking over to them with styrofoam cartons full of noodles and chicken. Mikey, Frank decided, was a fucking blessing.   
“Frank, you alright? I totally didn’t notice what was happening back there, I’m so sorry”  
Frank’s gut reaction was to be pissed off at Mikey for lying to him, but something told him that Mikey was being genuine and he was eternally grateful.   
“I’m really sorry, I just… I don’t know, it usually doesn’t happen like that, I’m really sorry for worrying you guys. I’m okay though, trust me.”   
Mikey smiled, passing him a box and a fork and sitting across from the couch on the floor. Ray sat next to him and passed Gerard, who was still lying down on the couch with his hand draped over his eyes.   
“I don’t wanna wake up… Let me sleep…” Ray smiled at Gerard, and a smile seemed to be the most comfortable expression on his face, Frank decided as he put Gerard’s food on the coffee table.   
“It’s only like… I don’t know, sometime in the afternoon. I’m too lazy to check.”   
Gerard was still half asleep as he mumbled, more to himself than anyone else.   
“It’s nine…” Mikey laughed at his older brother’s grogginess.   
“No offence but there’s no such thing as nine in the afternoon. It’s probably like three or something. You’re tired at 3 pm, Gerard. You need to start sleeping regularly.”  Gerard waved his free hand to dismiss Mikey. 

And the rest of the day went on like this, they ate and laughed at Gerard and talked about the arts, Mikey about specializing in music and learning the bass on the side (Frank made a mental note to hear Mikey play sometime), and then they talked about tv, and Frank learned that Ray and Mikey were complete anime nerds, something that he had way less knowledge about. They talked about music next, comparing bands, and Gerard sat right up as soon as The Smashing Pumpkins were mentioned.   
“I’m not tired anymore” He announced, launching into a conversation about how he and Mikey had gone to a Smashing Pumpkins concert together and enthusiastically declaring his love for 1990’s Billy Corgan as he ate his chinese food and Mikey and Ray laughed along with him but they exchanged a look that Frank could only interpret as relief and worry. Frank couldn’t really blame them, Gerard seemed to be a bit of a hermit. He was probably just an introvert, but Frank wasn’t going to pretend to know Gerard as well as he wanted to.   
It was probably about 5 when they ran out of arbitrary topics and chinese food, and Frank excused himself, thanking them for the food and untangling his legs from from Gerard’s, to his protests.   
“You can’t leave me! I don’t even know these other guys, I swear, you’re the only one here I know.”   
Frank sighed a little bit and decided to humour himself and Gerard.   
“You can walk me home if you really want to.” Frank ignored Mikey choking on his own food and Ray’s outright laughter as Gerard took his arm and said  
“I’ll be your gentleman, fine lady”. Frank scrunched up his nose and made a face at Gerard.   
“Why aren’t you the lady? I think you’re rocking the whole sexy androgyny thing here, you’d be the lady”   
Frank elected to ignore the fact that he’d just called Gerard sexy, and it seemed that Gerard had too, as he made the face back at Frank.   
“I mean, you’re not wrong, but we can both be the lady if it bothers you THAT much.”   
“For fuck’s sake, this is the stupidest argument I’ve ever heard- stay here or get out.” Mikey was clearly done with this conversation. Gerard giggled and held Frank’s arm as they opened the door and left his apartment, Gerard shushing Frank as he giggled. He felt like he was drunk, or something like that, he felt woozy and blissful and carefree, and this was better than being drunk, he decided as Gerard delivered him to his door. Gerard draped his arm over Frank’s shoulder as Frank rifled through his pockets to find his keys. Frank couldn’t find his goddamn keys and he pat every pocket in his jeans until he found them. He dug them out and unlocked his door. As he opened it, Gerard leaned down to him.   
“I like you, Frank. I really, really like you.” He said it softly, and Frank wasn’t facing him, but he wished he was because he wanted to see Gerard’s face, to at least try and read what that meant. He turned to face Gerard, letting his door hang open. He was faced with a pleasant surprise. Gerard was looking at the floor, his face open and vulnerable and all of a sudden he was an open book and Frank could see that he felt something, he could see that Gerard was giving him more than he’d given him before somehow, so Frank reciprocated, flinging his arms around Gerard’s neck and standing on his tiptoes to bury his head in Gerard’s neck, resisting the urge to kiss him, because shit, he’d only known him for 48 hours. He let his lips lightly touch Gerard’s neck and he could’ve sworn he felt a shiver going through the taller man, but he could be kidding himself. He felt Gerard’s arms close around him and pull him a little closer, and he practically melted, because it had been so long since he’d had a hug, a good, long, loving, proper hug. Maybe from his mom when he’d moved out, but probably not. Nothing against his mother, he loved her with all his heart, and she with all of his, but to her, hugs were for goodbyes, and they never really said goodbyes.   
It took Frank a good twenty seconds to finally break away from Gerard, again letting his lips dance over Gerard’s neck for not even a second. He noticed everything about Gerard now, how much taller than him he was, how his cheeks were tinted pink, how beautiful his eyes were. He’d never had use for the word hazel but now he did, and now it was a word as beautiful as Gerard’s eyes. And he noticed how Gerard smiled at him and he remembered that this was his goodbye and this couldn’t be his goodbye, he’d barely said hello. They couldn’t stop here.   
“Do you have a phone? I mean a cell. For, like emergencies. And stuff. Just in case, I mean, like, if something happens and I need you to get something or… Something”   
Frank congratulated himself on his eloquence. Gerard’s blush got worse and Frank felt really awkward about the hug now. What if Gerard wasn’t a physical affection kind of guy? What if Frank was coming on way too strong? Was he trying to? Frank started to second guess everything he’d done, but thankfully, blessedly, Gerard spoke.   
“I’ve got a cell and I basically never sleep, so text me anytime. Or call, if you’re into that.” Frank took out his phone and opened up the contacts app, trying not to feel Gerard’s eyes on him. He handed Gerard his phone and tried not to stare at him. He was smiling and his slightly too long black hair was falling in his face as he put his information into Frank’s phone. He handed the phone back.   
“I’ll hold you to this. If you don’t text me, I’ll sneak into your apartment and wake you up so that you do. Don’t forget, I know where you live.”   
Gerard punctuated this with a wink. Frank tried not to let his smile consume his face but he figured he probably had the biggest shit eating grin on his face.   
“See you later, Frank”.”  
“See you later, Gee.”

Frank closed his door and tried to keep from sitting on the floor and thinking about Gerard for an hour. He still had to unpack all his shit, for one. So he did his best to unpack and set up the closet and the internet (oh god he needed a job so badly- he couldn’t pay for this for too long) and all the other shit he needed (sheets, for one. No way in hell was he sleeping on dead uncle sheets. He had to put all his shit in the bathroom). He thought about Gerard the entire time.   
‘Should I text him now?’ He thought as he hung up his sweaters in the closet. He decided it’d be too clingy. He settled on texting Gerard later that night as he unpacked all of his books. He finished unpacking and now he was ‘officially moved in’. This would usually warrant a celebration, but Frank didn’t really want to celebrate. It was 5:30 pm in august and he was tired. He’d been with people all day, and he needed to unplug. Frank was an introvert at heart, as much as he loved being with people he liked. He always needed time alone. Frank sat down on his couch and decided that he wanted some light reading.  
Or he could reread Cat’s Cradle for the thousandth time.   
And read he did. He loved the broad metaphors Vonnegut painted, combined with the almost garish dystopian plot. He read for a long time. He wasn’t sure how long. Truth be told, Frank had a shitty internal clock, so he always knew that it could’ve been twenty minutes or an hour and a half. He’d had a lot of trouble focusing on the book, his thoughts running to Gerard. His hair, his smile, his story. He checked his phone for the time (it had been about 45 minutes), and that was all it took, he was out of his reading mindset. He decided to have a smoke. He needed to clear his head and think, properly think, about Gerard.   
He got up and went to the window in the bedroom, dog-earing the book and picking his cigarettes and lighter along the way. He was in time to catch the sun setting over the ugly downtown city skyline. He opened his window and decided not to dwell on the juxtaposition of the ugly concrete and glass buildings obstructing the beautiful sun. He lit the cigarette and was filled with the melancholy relief that came with smoking for him. He inhaled the cancer and thought about Gerard.   
He wasn’t used to being this attached to people. He kept people at a safe distance, Gerard was already closer to him than was safe. Frank took a long drag on the cigarette and thought about how well Gerard understood him. Gerard empathized with him, and he empathized with Gerard. This was simple and evident and Frank had no idea how to go about being close to Gerard. He didn’t know how close he wanted to be with Gerard. Sure, Gerard was very aesthetically attractive. But Frank had never dated anyone in his life. He had, but he fucked up all the relationships. Not on purpose. Mostly. He tended to get boring with people, and he didn’t want to get bored with Gerard. He could see himself still having a connection with Gerard in six months, and for Frank that meant something. He had no clue what kind of connection he wanted with Gerard. He could see himself being romantically involved with Gerard. He smiled around the cigarette as he thought about them going out together. Doing mundane things, but together. He could see them fucking around together. He could see them doing serious shit together. He could have a discussion with him, but he could call him sexy and play d&d with him, and he could do things he didn’t even want to do, but with Gerard. Like music festivals. Or something. At this point Frank was embarrassing himself. He finished his cigarette and contemplated the fact that there was someone close to him. Maybe. He still had to check to see if they were friends, and he picked up his phone to text Gerard. He smiled when he saw that Gerard had saved his name as ‘Gee <3<3’ .   
‘hey gee it’s frank’  
Frank threw is phone across the bed. He didn’t want to wait around for Gerard to respond to him.   
He waited anyways. He didn’t have to wait for very long, hearing the buzz of his phone less than a minute later.   
‘hey frankie how u holding up??’  
Frank cringed at the nickname. It was awful, but endearing.   
‘im living i guess. u?’   
The reply was quick. Frank guessed that Ray and Mikey were probably watching tv or something that Gerard couldn’t relate to, giving him plenty of time and boredom to text Frank. Probably.   
Gee <3<3: ’mikey and ray r talking abt having girl crushes i cant relate help’  
This was a relatable problem for Frank. He’d always found men more beautiful physically than women, but he couldn’t ever say that or else he was automatically gay, and not bisexual.  
‘start talking abt the cutest guy u know and if they say any shit abt it just say thats how they sound. thats what i do’  
‘it’s not a good way to keep ur friends maybe don’t do tht’   
Gee <3<3: ‘theyre used to me talking abt my crushes it gets annoying’  
Frank considered this. He needed context. Was Gerard trying to initiate a conversation about exes? Was he trying to flirt? Frank wished he had a bigger frame of reference for texting people other than his closest friends. They’d barely even texted.   
“Just be calm” He said, out loud, to nobody but himself.   
‘does that come up often lol’   
Gee <3<3:’way too often but sometimes i get stuck on people’  
Frank decided to stop giving a shit and overanalyzing everything. This is just a conversation between two adults, he said to himself.   
Well, an adult and someone two months shy of adulthood.   
‘im the worst tbh… i get stuck on a person who i barely know for months. it sucks’  
That was probably very connotative, Frank realized. It didn’t matter, he had some type of weird thing for Gerard. He wanted to sleep on Gerards chest and share Gerards food and share his couch and he was so embarrassing. His phone lightly buzzed.   
Gee <3<3: ‘mikey and ray know me better than anyone when it comes to this. i’ll have u know that i just came out of a conversation abt not hitting on u.’  
Frank had to ask.   
‘is it too late for that or am i misreading friendly conversation?’   
Gee <3<3: ‘im not flirting with u’  
Minor heartbreak.  
Gee <3<3: ‘unless it’s working cause im trying my best’  
Significantly less heartbreak.   
‘i dont want to give u any hints but u can keep at it.’  
Gee <3<3: ‘damn i was certain i had wooed u… i guess if i asked u to come over tm just u and me u’d def say no right =(‘  
Frank really hoped that this wasn’t code for sex.   
‘thats not code for sex right i honestly dont know’  
Frank could hear Gerard’s laugh from two rooms and a relatively thick wall away.  
‘im mildly insulted that u find me this hilarious’   
Frank heard Gerard’s laugh abruptly stop and then come back stronger than ever.  
‘fuk u gerard’   
Gee <3<3: ‘ur adorable frankie i promise its not code for illegal sex’  
‘fuk u gerard’   
Gee <3<3: ‘did we not just agree that that’s illegal’  
‘tru… what time tmrw?’   
Gee <3<3: ‘i dont have work tm but ray and mikey will b out by 11 but they prob wouldnt care if u came by before’  
Frank considered this. This was a date, right? They were talking about sex. This definitely wasn’t just friends hanging out. But it was casual. Okay. Frank could handle this. Frank was cool. He could handle this. He’d had plenty of almost dates in high school. He could do this. It slipped into his mind that he’d only known Gerard for a few days. This was utter and absolute bullshit. He didn’t get anxious over strangers, he never had, and he wasn’t planning on starting.   
‘i’ll b there’  
‘promise’   
Frank closed his texts, and thought about Gerard, and his feelings. He never felt strongly about people, except his mom. His thoughts drifted towards his mom, and they way he felt about her. His mom was a kind, caring, sweet woman. And still, Frank struggled to make peace with the way he felt about her. He cycled through emotions, loving and hating her in equal portions. his cycle could be rapid, three days of love and two of hate, or they could burn long and low, a month of worshipping her and, all of a sudden, triggered by something small every time, Frank would throw himself into hating his mother. Sometimes he’d be itching to fight with her and provoke her into screaming at him, sometimes she would pick the fight. Frank always felt a strange relief every time it happened, a kind of relief, as though everything was how it was supposed to be. Frank sighed a little. He hadn’t talked to his mom since he’d moved.   
Maybe that was for the better, he decided. 

Frank and Gerard had their date. It had been fun, Frank decided later that night. Nothing had really happened, they’d watched disney movies and laughed at the stupid princesses and their stupid princes. And then discussed the films, because Mulan and Pocahontas were classics, Gerard insisted. Frank didn’t see their value, but that had been his opinion. Gerard had been draped over the side of the couch on his stomach, leaning down to lightly but insistently hit Frank on the shoulder, saying he’d make him say Mulan was a modern classic. And Frank, stupid idiot, had said ‘make me’.   
There is no greater phrase to create sexual tension in the english language than ‘make me’. Frank wished he’d known that before it had spilled out his stupid mouth and Gerard was staring into his eyes and now everything was hot and weird and he wanted to get out of there but he also really, really, really wanted to see how Gerard would react. To his credit, Gerard’s eyes glinted and he held Frank’s gaze for a few seconds before winking, leaving Frank to decode what the fuck that meant as he grumbled, apparently giving up trying to convince Frank. And so they’d hung out, and maybe it hadn’t actually been a date after all. Frank still wasn’t fucking sure.


	6. Frank Iero braces for school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank and Gerard bond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay guys here's the deal!! there's some self harm mentions in this chapter and it goes into a little bit of detail, so if you're triggered by descriptions of self harm or even scar mentions, i wouldn't recommend reading this. I'm writing as fast as i can but school is honestly taking a fucking toll so i don't know how soon i'll be able to update this.
> 
> -riv

And they hung out like that more and more often as school approached, sometimes eating instant ramen with Ray or Mikey, or both on a night with good shifts, sometimes eating together with just the two of them. But as school fast came, Frank found himself shitting himself at the prospect of having a daily routine, a place he’d have to be every damn day, work to do, people to talk to and socialize with, and the prospect of not seeing Gerard (or Ray and Mikey, of course) every day. Because, as the week before school came, Frank was waking up, and if he knew Gerard had a shift, because he always knew some way or another, he’d go to the coffee shop and talk to Ray. If Gerard didn’t have a shift, he’d go to his house and they’d play mario until they were at each others throats, and then they’d talk until Mikey came home from his shift at the store and the three of them would make tea and coffee and talk about their days. It was a dangerous routine, simply because Frank was settling into it so well.  
And yes, he still smoked alone out of his bedroom window. He still looked at his knife sometimes, like it was his lifeline. He used to touch it when he needed to be grounded, and now more and more, he called Gerard when he needed to be grounded. Or went to his apartment, and they talked. Most of the time Gerard talked and Frank listened. And Frank learned more about Gerard, learned that he loved music with his entire life, and didn’t pursue it, didn’t let people see him enjoy it. Frank sometimes mused on wether or not he’d hear Gerard sing, or play the piano. He learned that Gerard loved he and Mikey’s grandmother. She had only recently died and sometimes he and Mikey talked about her with a far off look in their eyes. One of those times had seen Gerard and Mikey sitting together on the couch, describing Elena in great, excruciating detail to Frank and Ray siting on the floor. They were smiling and crying, and Frank and Ray had started crying too, and Frank was falling into these friendships too hard and too fast, and he was scared of having them, but more scared of leaving them. School started in less than a week and Frank couldn’t help his fear. It seemed like Gerard was scared too, and he didn’t know why. Frank was going to have to function without the routine he’d seamlessly fallen into in less than a month.  
Frank was at the mall where Gerard worked, waiting for him to finish his shift and looking for school supplies, which was a thinly veiled excuse to finally buy essentials for his apartment. He always used the neighbours’ things, their microwave, their wifi, their tv. He bought his own microwave, in case of midnight cravings, and a coffee maker, for obvious reasons. He spent half an hour looking at phone and internet bundles, losing his mind when salesmen kept approaching. He made a beeline for the hot topic where he knew Gerard worked. He cringed internally as he walked in. It was all pissed off teenagers looking for merchandise for their glorified bands. Most of the reason he hated this store was because he fit in so well. He loved most of the bands up on the shirt wall, admired the price of shitty hair dye and studded belts and kicked himself for wanting all of it.  
Gerard, thankfully, wasn’t working the cash. He was at the front of the store, greeting everyone who entered and telling the about the eternal 2-for-1 deal. This was the speech he started to give Frank until he looked at him properly.  
“Frankie, I don’t get off for another 15 minutes.”  
Frank knew this full well. He didn’t really know why he was here but he hadn’t wanted to be alone anymore. He shrugged.  
“I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I can stand behind you and glare at people who try and hit on you or something.”  
Gerard smiled, leaning on the shirt display.  
“It’d be way easier to survive those 15 minutes if you were whispering sweet nothings in my ear, Frankie”  
Frank knew Gerard was joking. They’d fallen into a routine of closeness, closer than Frank was to Ray or Mikey. This kind of flirting was commonplace, and Frank wasn’t completely sure wether it was legitimate on Gerard’s part, but he didn’t really care. Mostly. He still had his doubts. Frank could honestly say that he felt something for Gerard. He didn’t know what it was fully, so he was letting it sit for now. He let it sit, and it grew with every look he and Gerard shared, every time Gerard laughed, every time Gerard absentmindedly grabbed his hand when they were walking.  
He stood behind Gerard diligently for those last 15 minutes. His height made him almost completely concealed from view as Gerard greeted and told people about the eternal 2-for-1 sale. He didn’t really talk, he just stood there. It wasn’t awkward, because he and Gerard often sat together in silence. When the 15 minutes were up, Gerard dragged Frank through the store, taking him to the back room where all his stuff was. He gathered all his shit and punched out, and he and Frank were left in a big mall with nothing to do.  
Naturally, Frank gravitated towards the ice cream shop.  
“Pleeeease? I’ll do your dishes for a week. I’ll use my own microwave for 48 hours. I won’t mooch your wifi for a day.”  
Gerard sighed, and Frank beamed.  
“You know how to crack me, Frankie. How would you do our dishes? I mean I know it’s like you do, but you don’t actually live in our apartment.”  
Frank stuck his tongue out at Gerard as they got in line for their ice cream.  
“We should just bring down the wall between our apartments. That’d make everything way easier.”  
Gerard nodded. They got to the front of the line and Gerard got a scoop of something or other. Frank got the sweetest thing he could manage without gouging Gerard’s wallet. They got their ice cream and started walking.  
“Where are we going?”  
Frank had naturally assumed Gerard was in control. Maybe he wasn’t.  
“I don’t know. Do you want to go back to ours?”  
“I dunno. Let’s start walking back and see where we get, I guess.”  
Gerard nodded and they left the mall. The day wasn’t overly hot, but the sun was out and beating down on Frank and Gerard and their ice cream. They walked through the sidewalks and shit talked people they passed. They were judgemental assholes, but Frank and Gerard had a mutual feeling that it was okay, because they were self aware judgemental assholes. They were laughing at a couple sucking face and slurping their quickly melting ice cream as they aimlessly walked through the streets. They were about ten minutes away from the apartment when Gerard suddenly grabbed Frank’s hand and was pulling him towards something.  
“Gee-where are- Gee- Gerard!”  
Frank gave up as Gerard giggled and said nothing, continuing to drag him along. He was almost running now, and Frank relaxed into his touch, letting Gerard guide him. They ran past people, getting odd looks now and again, not for holding hands, but for running through the streets, until Gerard slowed to a halt in front of an empty park. Frank was surprised. I mean, a park? Really? They were adults, for christ sake.  
“Loosen up Frankie, come swing with me.”  
Maybe Frank cracked a smile. Maybe he sat on the swing next to Gerard, one hand on his ice cream and one hand on the rusting chain. Maybe he laughed as he and Gerard swung back and forth. If you’d asked him he wouldn’t even deny it, because he was starting to realize something. Maybe having friends wasn’t so bad.

They’d stayed at the park for an hour and a half. Frank had never realized how much fun swinging was, but being with Gerard made him happy. He could do anything with Gerard by his side and think it was a good idea, including jumping from the height of his highest swing. It wasn’t a bad idea necessarily, but he was short. He’d landed on his ankle and rolled it or something along those lines, he wasn’t really sure. He laughed through his pain, laughed at himself for thinking that it had been a good idea. He laughed at this situation, and for once it wasn't bitter, because he was with Gerard, and for some reason he couldn’t be his usual bitter, cynical, depressed self around Gerard. Gerard, to his credit, fell all over himself making sure Frank was okay, even though Frank assured him that he could just walk it off.  
“School starts in three days, you can’t go to your classes injured. I forbid it.”  
Gerard and Frank were sitting at a picnic table and Frank was leaning on Gerard, tucked between his legs, leaning on his chest and beaming up at him.  
“You don’t control me, old man.” He said, sticking his tongue out.  
“Don’t call me old, punk.”  
Frank crossed his arms, burrowing himself farther into Gerard’s chest.  
“I don’t wanna start school. I wanna do stupid shit with you and get into trouble, not go to school.”  
Gerard absentmindedly smoothed Frank’s hair, which soothed him a little.  
“It’s not like I’m gonna be gone. If anything, you’ll have someone to pull stupid crazy all nighters with when you’re stressed. We’re always gonna be next door. I’m always gonna be next door.”  
“Promise?”  
All of a sudden it wasn’t Gerard and Frank screaming in a public park anymore, it was Gerard and Frank making promises to each other for nobody’s ears but their own. Frank wanted, more than anything, for Gerard to say yes, and he didn’t know why, and that scared him.  
“Promise”  
Frank realized two things. First, he’d been holding his breath and he didn’t know why. Second, he’d definitely felt Gerard kiss him on the top of the head lightly. He also realized that he was fine with that, whatever it meant for the two of them.  
“Come on, Frankie. I don’t wanna be outside anymore.”  
This happened to both of them sometimes, and they never really talked about it when it did. They just helped each other ride the depression out, and they’d talk about it afterwards, sometimes opting to forget that it happened in favour of company with Ray and Mikey.  
Today wasn’t much different. Frank nodded and got up from the park bench, pulling Gerard up with him. They were both silent as they started walking the couple of blocks to the apartment.  
“Frankie?” Gerard sounded scared and vulnerable but he didn’t stop walking, so neither did Frank.  
“Yeah?”  
“Why do you always wear sleeves?”  
Frank was slightly stunned. He’d talked about his self harm with Gerard before, told him everything, even about his weird fucked-up reliance on his knife.  
“Gerard, you know why.”  
Gerard sighed.  
“But why now? I thought… I don’t know, I thought you’d stopped.”  
Frank had stopped. He was two and a half weeks clean and most of his reason had been the sincerity in Gerard’s voice when he’d told him, adamantly, that he had to stop.  
But he still had scars he wasn’t ready to face, to display. He hadn’t shown Gerard his scars then, because he wanted to maintain the illusion that he was just a sad kid who sometimes slipped up and hurt himself, rather than the type of fuck-up who could spend hours watching the blood trickle out of his arms and legs only to cut deeper. Frank was doing a damn good job hiding the extent of how fucked up he was, and his relationship with Gerard was sailing smoothly.  
“The scars freak me out, man. I don’t like people seeing them, I guess.”  
Frank was still holding Gerard’s hand but they were both looking at the ground.  
“Can I see them?”  
Frank blinked, squeezed Gerard’s hand, but didn’t stop walking.  
“Not here.”  
Frank wasn’t sure what he really meant by that, but it seemed good enough for Gerard, who nodded.  
“I’m glad you’re clean, Frank.” Gerard said after a pause. Frank could hear the emotion in his voice, and hell if it didn’t make the two weeks worth it. He smiled, big and lopsided with all his teeth.  
“Me too. Thank you. For… Everything.”  
Gerard lit up, and his smile made Frank’s heart flutter a little bit, which annoyed him.  
As they walked hand in hand and the apartment building loomed, Frank mulled on his feelings for Gerard through their easy silence.  
He honestly had no idea what h was feeling. He’d had so few friends that he didn’t really know what the feeling of friendship was supposed to be. All the same, he could distinguish a line between his feelings for Ray and Mikey and his feelings for Gerard. He definitely felt something more for Gerard. He didn’t know what that more was, but it was there. He definitely couldn’t ignore it, because sometimes it made him happy, but sometimes it nibbled at his mind. Like when Gerard jokingly told Ray he loved him, or when he gushed about his technical art professor like she was a goddess with a light in his eyes, and Frank wanted all the focus to be on him. He wanted all of Gerard’s attention, he wanted to consume Gerard. He wasn’t stupid or oblivious, he knew that Gerard felt something for him. His problem was that he had no idea what it was.  
Was it a bond that could be a long lasting friendship?  
Was it love?  
There was no in between, and Frank wanted to know. He knew he couldn’t really find out, that now, outside their dingy apartment building, was neither the time nor the place, but the naive part of him was begging for an answer.  
He never listened to that side of him anyways.  
They arrived at the apartment without further incident, collapsing onto the couch and each other, Frank lying between Gerard’s legs and on his chest. They were so used to each other, the way they liked to be held and comforted. Gerard knitted his fingers through Franks hair, and Frank felt like more at home with Gerard than he’d ever felt in his mother’s house or his uncle’s apartment.  
“Frank?” Gerard’s voice was questioning, but stronger than before. Frank spoke into Gerard’s shirt.  
“Yeah?”  
Gerard paused.  
“Now can I see them?”  
Frank stiffened. He hadn’t looked at his scars in a while, not really looked. He wasn’t scared of what Gerard would see, but more what he’d see.  
All the same, he rolled up the sleeves of his grey sweater. His scars still ached a little bit, even after two weeks. He winced a little bit and Gerard sat up so that Frank was sitting beside him.  
“Oh, Frankie.”  
There were scars everywhere. They lined his arms, all the way up and down. Some were deeper than others, some were paler than his normal skin colour, but there were a few that were deep and still red and Frank cringed because those ones were awful to heal. The precise cut of his knife split the skin evenly and perfectly, and it was beautifully symmetrical, but also meant that every time his arm moved, the pieces had come apart, resulting in pain and blood for almost a week to come. But most of the scars lining his arm were pink slits, and they were everywhere. Frank wanted to throw up looking at them, and Gerard was paler than usual.  
“It’s okay, Gerard. I’m okay now. I’m okay. I promise, I’m okay.”  
He repeated this like a mantra, and Gerard was crying now, just a little bit at first, but as Frank took him into his pockmarked arms Gerard’s crying came in heaving sobs, and Frank wasn’t used to this, to people feeling things, feeling things because of him, and he had no idea what he could do other than repeat his mantra and pet Gerard’s hair, because he was going to cry too and he couldn’t, he just couldn’t, not today, not in front of Gerard, not like this. Gerard looked up at him and he was beautiful. He was more than just the pretty one, he was gorgeous, even after crying. His eyes were bright with tears that had yet to come out, and his face was flushed and his hair was matted and sticking out in all the oddest places, but more than that, he was looking at Frank like he was his world, like Frank was his everything, and he’d just seen his world damaged, scarred, and broken.  
All he could do was repeat it, his new mantra,  
“I’m okay, I’m okay, Gerard, I promise, I’m okay. Look at me. I’m okay.”  
Gerard was blinking his tears away now, and his cheeks were a deep red.  
“I’m- I’m sorry about this. All of this.”  
Frank was surprised. Gerard was apologizing for caring about him. He felt like an ass, and when he spoke, his voice was soft.  
“Hey, it’s fine Gee. Nobody really cares, so don’t apologize for it.”  
Gerard lay down on Frank’s chest.  
“I care.”  
Frank didn’t know how to respond. He’d never been in this situation before, he’d never had to deal with his emotions along with somebody else’s. But he knew that he wanted to be Gerard’s world, and he knew that Gerard, somehow, was his.  
When Ray and Mikey came back, Gerard and Frank were smoking in silence on the kitchen table. As they asked questions and unpacked their ‘back to school feast’, which was just four frozen pizzas, they found out that they’d only woken up about five minutes ago and had been chain smoking ever since.  
Frank wasn’t necessarily telling the entire truth. He’d omitted the part where he’d woken up with Gerard tracing circles into his chest through his shirt. He’d omitted the part where they’d kissed, briefly and awkwardly, Gerard leaning too far up and Frank leaning too far down. He’d definitely omitted the part where he’d brought Gerard up to his level and kissed him again, longer and smoother, and he didn’t talk about the way Gerard’s lips had felt on his, or the way Gerard’s hand immediately went into his hair, and the fact that he’d tasted like chocolate ice cream and cigarettes definitely went unmentioned. The fact that the ghost of an _‘i love you’_ was on his lips when they parted after hearing the doorknob turn, well.  
Frank wasn’t fucking telling anyone about that.


	7. Kissing Gerard Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...He kisses Gerard Way. Yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really needed to hurry things along in this verse so I'm sorry if this chapter seems a little rushed. I'm so sorry this took forever to put out, but i'm kinda in a huge slump right now and i really hope the writing quality doesn't reflect that. but all that aside i went to therapy today and now i'm putting out a chapter so it's a good day! kudos and comments make my day, so if you think it deserves one please do leave it. thanks so much for 500 reads! love you guys.  
> -riv

Frank hadn’t seen it coming. One second, Gerard was crying into his shoulder, and the next second Gerard was looking at him, and he’d looked ethereal, his eyes dark hazel and glistening with tears, his cheeks rosy and his hair falling in his face, and Frank had kissed him.   
It was nice, a little sudden, but welcome and holy fuck Gerard was just so beautiful.  
Frank had taken a second to collect himself and fully realize that, wow, this was kissing Gerard Way.   
Wow, this was kissing Gerard Way.   
And he kissed him again, and it was just as good as the first kiss, and Gerard’s lips were soft on Franks, and Frank hoped his hands were soft on Gerard’s tear-stained face as he continued to kiss him.   
“Frank, breathe.” It was a demand for both himself and for Frank as Gerard reluctantly detached himself from Frank. It was hard for Frank to comply, because now Gerard’s lips were red and puffy and he tasted like chocolate and cigarettes.   
“Right. Breathe.”   
Gerard leaned up and gently kissed Frank. The tongue, to Frank, was surprising, but not unwelcome, and Frank let Gerard’s tongue explore his mouth, because he had no idea how to navigate making out.   
“You’re cute.” Gerard proclaimed when he pulled away.   
“You’re pretty and I hate you.” Frank stuck his tongue out at Gerard.  
“You like me.”   
“Not at all. I dislike you.”   
“Your mouth likes me.”  
Frank cringed. He hoped Gerard heard how abysmal that had been.  
“You’re not wrong.”   
Frank leaned into Gerard, and it was a good ten minutes before they pulled apart, only to share a cigarette on the counter. Frank wondered if he should ask Gerard out, on a real date, or if he should wait for Gerard to ask him. He’d never actually kissed anyone before. He hoped he wasn’t crazy bad at it, but the fervency with which Gerard was kissing told him that he couldn’t be all that bad. Or maybe Gerard was concealing his disappointment, and he was awful. Frank wished he had more of a frame of reference for this, but he’d never even had friends who were cool enough to kiss people, let alone other guys. Fuck, now Frank was overthinking everything.   
“I know I sound like an asshole, but I’m not a shit kisser, right?”   
Gerard looked at Frank and laughed a little bit, and Frank resented his easy confidence even though he knew it wasn’t real half the time.   
“You’re not half bad, Frank Iero.”   
And then Ray and Mikey had come in, and the moment wasn’t exactly over, but now he and Gerard had something extra, something that Ray and Mikey didn't know about.   
Frank wasn’t used to this, he decided as Mikey and Gerard pored over the frozen pizza together, Ray being shushed every time he tried to tell them how to bake it properly.   
“Gee, I think if we put it in at 450 for half an hour it’ll burn.”  
“I think you may be right, Mikes, I think you may.”  
“For fucks sake, please let me help you guys, or at least stop making Frank and I watch you struggle and just make mac and cheese or something.” Ray was shushed yet again by the brothers, who had opted to turn the stove on at a reasonable temperature. The pizza was made with minimal scarring, in the end, and they had a nice back to school ‘party’, which was just the four of them drinking coke until 4 in the morning and trying not to strangle each other playing monopoly.   
The game ended at 3:30 with loud yelling and a sigh of exasperation from Ray, who had just been trying to keep Gerard and Mikey on speaking terms. He’d slipped out when the conversation turned to school, and Mikey enthusiastically talking about his professors, and Ray enthusiastically not listening and talking about his professors instead. Gerard had given him nothing more than a wink and a mouthed word that Frank couldn’t make out as he quietly closed the door to their apartment and stumbled into his still not quite unpacked one. He didn’t even have time to stress about Gerard over his stress for school.   
He had no fucking clue how college worked, how the fuck was he going to function? He had a week to see what classes he liked, but what the fuck classes were he supposed to take?   
He needed a music course, a music theory course, and outside of that there was nothing he needed to take, which left his options completely open.   
He’d be okay, he’d just find fun classes! Or he’d take serious classes maybe. He wished he’d given this more thought, and 4am wasn’t the time, but he and his anxiety were making it the time.  
What if he walked into classes he hated and then couldn’t drop them?  
What if he couldn’t join the classes he liked?   
What if he couldn’t join his majors classes? What if he dropped all the courses he didn’t like and got all the courses he did like and then all of his professors hated him, and none of the students helped him, and he ended up failing out of university in his first year?   
Frank’s thoughts went on like this, like a runaway train of anxieties and stresses. He fell asleep at 4:30, barely aware of his own crying. 

When he woke up, the sun was in the sky, his phone was buzzing, and there was banging on his door.  
“Frank! Classes start in an hour, get the fuck up!” It was Mikey, bless his soul. His phone was buzzing with texts from Gerard, the latest saying ‘if ur not up in 2 mins I'm sending mikey over’. He’d evidently made good on his threat, and Frank had half a mind to just let Mikey bang on his door until his fists bled out of spite, but technically Mikey was performing him a service.   
“I’m coming! For fucks sake, I’m coming!” Mikey’s banging stopped.   
“Dude, at least let me wait inside.”  
Frank stumbled out of bed and pulled on a shirt, praying that Mikey didn’t give a fuck that he wasn’t wearing pants. He opened his front door and pointed Mikey towards the pop tarts before hurrying back to his room to put on outside clothes (he and Gerard had had a long conversation about why pyjamas were in fact suitable clothes to wear in company, so now all other clothes were referred to as ‘outside clothes’). He barely had time to register the fact that holy shit, he was starting college as he pulled on a pair of mostly clean jeans and an old smiths shirt, pausing only to run his fingers through his lengthening hair in a vain attempt to tame it.   
“Alright Mikey, let’s go.” Mikey smiled at him.   
“Fuckin’ a. You’re gonna like it here, I promise.”   
And with that Mikey dragged him out the door to the car where Ray was waiting in the drivers seat. Without more than a hello and a light scolding, Ray stepped on it and they were off, Ray and Mikey in the front and Frank in the back. 

The first week went by in a sort of blur. Frank barely had any downtime as he chose his classes and got introduced to people whose names he kept forgetting. Mikey seemed to have a group of friends and they all seemed nice enough. They were all music nerds like him, and they had heated discussions about old rock over beers, so Frank was all set in the friends department.   
He didn’t really have a chance to get a break, he was up and around so much, he’d come home late and get up early to try out classes and by the time it came around to course add/drop he was ready to be done with college. He spent his weekend consuming coffee and assuring his mom that he was alive and definitely wouldn’t be needed money for very much longer, while deciding wether or not he needed an english lit class and a creative writing class.   
He took both.   
He was, admittedly, a little excited for his composition class, but he wasn’t allowing himself to be overly enthusiastic, because he’d probably end up arranging classical instruments in classical format for a classical course.   
Mikey could totally be his in, though. Mikey’s friends, Frank had discovered, were the composition professor and his teaching assistant respectively. Professor Stump (Patrick, but Frank wasn’t sure what to call him in class) seemed really, really young to be a teacher, but he knew enough that Frank could tell he wasn’t bullshitting. Plus, he was just out of university too and he totally understood the hardships, which Frank was grateful for.   
Mikey definitely had heart eyes for the assistant (his name started with a P but Frank kept fucking forgetting), but Frank didn’t say anything in front of him just in case it was a secret. 

Frank didn’t get a rest until sunday night, three weeks in. He’d chosen all his classes, gotten into all his classes, and was now ready to face the inevitable hell of a 9am monday morning performance class.   
As he logged off his computer, he pointedly realized that his phone hadn’t gone off all day. Gerard had been texting him, cute emoji’s, or nice ‘you can do it!’ messages, every day, and he hadn’t for at least three days now. Frank didn’t know wether this was his fault for not spending time with Gerard, or wether Gerard had realized that he could find better people. He didn’t want to get overly attached to Gerard, but it was hard.   
What if Gerard was angry at him?   
Frank wondered wether he should ask Gerard. He had no idea if that was something people did, text their friends asking ‘hey, i know it’s out of the blue, but if you find me intolerable it’d be great if you could tell me’, but he was gonna do it anyways.   
‘Hey gee, r u mad a me? if u r it’s okay, i just wanna know.  
Frank considered the amount of punctuation in his text and pressed send before he could deem it ‘too passive aggressive’.   
The reply was almost immediate.   
Gee <3: frankie no, i just miss u nerd  
Gee <3: come over. if u have the time  
Frank barely skimmed the texts before slipping out the door, absentmindedly grabbing his cigarettes before he left. He was greeted by the warmest, most violent hug he’d received in a long time as soon as he opened Gerard’s door. He was grinning like a fucking idiot when Gerard let go of him.   
“I fuckin’ missed you Frankie.”  
“It’s only been like… A week?”   
“It’s been a month, you fucking asshole.” Gerard was joking but there was some real hurt in his tone as he mocked Frank, who had no idea what to say. He’d noticed their time apart, sure. Gerard had quickly become his favourite person, but Frank had felt himself climbing the ladder to codependency when school had started, and had tried to distance himself enough. It had a terrible impact on his mood. He was constantly irritated and felt out of place, and fucking lonely. He’d only been around Gerard for two minutes and he already felt more comfortable than he’d felt in almost a month.   
“Shit…Fuck, I miss the summer.”  
It was true. It hadn’t even been a month yet but Frank missed the long days and the cool, easy nights, and he missed Gerard.   
“Let’s watch a movie or something. Something easy, Ray and Mikey are out so I can’t make them work for me.”  
They fought on movies for a while but they decided on Shaun of the dead.   
“Frank, come on, it’s gory and hilarious, there’s nothing more to ask for in a movie!”  
Frank gave into Gerard’s charm as usual, and they put the movie in.   
Frank enjoyed the movie, he really did. He’d seen it before, so he knew how it went and quite honestly he was enjoying the fact that his head was in Gerard’s lap way more than he enjoyed the acting on screen. He was hyper aware of everything Gerard did. He was aware of Gerard’s hands when they played with his hair absentmindedly. He was aware of the way Gerard’s chest moved as he inhaled, the way it moved as he exhaled, and the way his arms felt around Frank as he brought him a little closer.   
They finished the movie uneventfully, and Frank wondered if he should kiss Gerard again. Just to see what happened. How he’d react. What if it had been a mistake? Maybe Gerard wanted to pretend it had never happened, and that’s why he hadn’t brought it up. That was probably it, Frank decided as Gerard’s hand played with his hair.   
“Gerard?” Frank turned his face up to Gerard, trying his best to hold back a blush when Gerard beamed down at him.   
“I… Nothing. I missed you.”   
Frank’s face was bright red and it was less to do with Gerard’s face and more to do with his own crippling stupidity and lack of social skills. He’d meant to ask Gerard what he meant to him, what they meant to each other. But he couldn’t, just in case the answer was nothing, the way it always was.   
“Hey, hey, Frank. Look at me.” Gerard put his hand under Frank’s chin.   
“What’s wrong?”   
Frank was fucked. He had no idea what to say. He felt like a hunted animal trapped in a corner, with no options other than to face the guns in front of him. So he turned towards the guns.   
“Do you like me?”   
Frank would’ve been completely fine with the earth swallowing him whole.   
Do you like me? Do you like me? Was he in kindergarten? Maybe Gerard would just think he meant ‘like’ as friends, and not that Frank had the mind of a second grader. Hopefully. Frank braced for the inevitable ‘no, not really’, but Gerard looked slightly shocked.   
“What? Of course I do, why wouldn’t I? Frank, you’re literally in my lap. Don’t let people I don’t like into my personal space.”  
Frank felt dumb. He felt like a stupid kid with a crush who’d just made an ass of himself in front of his crush.   
“I’m sorry, I just. I’m sorry.”   
Frank burrowed into Gerard’s chest. If he was gonna act like child, he was gonna go the whole nine yards. Gerard closed his arms around Frank and Frank was so grateful that Gerard wasn’t questioning him. He was tired of questions, college had too many questions. He just wanted to be with Gerard for as long as he could. He wanted it to be summer forever.   
“Hey. Frank. Look at me.”   
Gerard took Frank’s face in his hands and he was close, too close. His breath smelled like cigarettes and he smelled like deodorant and cigarettes and Gerard and he was coming closer, oh god, Gerard was kissing him again and it was great. Gerard’s soft, light kiss put Frank’s mind at ease. His lips said ‘don’t worry’ and his hands on Frank’s face said ‘it’s okay, i’m here’ and when he pulled away Frank felt warm, like he was protected and loved. Like he was surrounded by the summer, somehow.   
“Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”   
This time, Frank leaned into the kiss, looping his arms around Gerard’s neck.   
Gerard broke the kiss again, Frank didn’t quite know why.   
“I fucking missed you, Frankie.”


	8. Frank Iero's winter wonderland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank dissociates and has a breakdown during his finals, relapsing completely and badly. Gerard comforts him and confesses that he's gone through the same thing. Do not read if you're triggered by self harm, just go to the next chapter, because that's all that happens basically. Also they sex each other at the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo guys. so I haven't updated in forever, but I have an excuse. I've been in the hospital. But anyways, here's a chapter, apologies for it being so short but I'm still in hospital and it's been hard to write from here. SO!! Trigger warning for anyone who struggles with self harm and is triggered by mentions or descriptions of self harm. if you're triggered by this, i'm putting a summary of the chapter for you guys to read. This chapter was so therapeutic for me cause I'm like three weeks clean and i needed to get this out. Thank you all for reading <3

The weekend was a blissful escape from Frank’s reality. He fluctuated between spending too much time with Gerard, Ray, and Mikey and not enough time on school work, and spending too much time on his schoolwork and not seeing Gerard for a week that felt like an eternity. It was a weird routine, but a routine nonetheless. Sure, sometimes he’d break down over a paper, or a piece that just wouldn’t come together, and he’d call Gerard and they wouldn’t say anything. Gerard would hold him and tell him it’d be okay, kissing him gently on the head until Frank felt like maybe Gerard was right, he’d be okay.  
It wasn’t perfect, but he could live.  
His birthday snuck up on him, much like it always did. He spent it alone, much to Mikey’s chagrin (“Dude, the fuck, it’s halloween, at least get wasted with us!”) and called his mom, who was, surprise surprise, going out to a party that night. He got 300 bucks mailed to him from his dad, 100 from his mom, and nothing else. He spent the day doing composition and gradually getting drunker until he worked up the nerve to knock on the Ways’ apartment door. Ray and Mikey were out drinking, Mikey doing the drinking and Ray doing the ‘sorry-about-my-friend-he’s-really-drunk’-ing, but Gerard was watching Halloween, and fuck if that didn’t sound like the perfect deal to Frank.  
He’d drunkenly, sloppily made out with Gerard throughout the movie and it had ended with the title menu of Halloween looping, Gerard’s lips on Frank’s neck, and Frank’s back arched as he creamed his jeans like fucking twelve year old, Gerard grinding down on him. At least Gerard had too. That made it way less embarrassing he thought, as he and Gerard lay on the couch panting, their legs still intertwined and Gerard somewhat crushing Frank. Gerard was warm and his hands were still tangled in Frank’s hair as he brought his lips from Frank’s neck to his ear and lightly whispered “Happy birthday, Frankie.” 

So maybe it wasn’t that bad.  
The rest of October was uneventful, Frank’s mood lowering gradually with the sun as the days and his temper got shorter. He hated it, but Gerard and Mikey took the brunt of it. He’d brush Mikey off for lunch dates, act coldly towards Gerard. He couldn’t function in his classes anymore, unable to focus on anything his teachers said or assigned him. He knew he was cycling towards a breakdown, and he told Gerard his over coffee on his living room floor.  
“I know it’s gonna come eventually. I don’t know how to avoid it or avert it or make it less painful, I just have to… Take it, I guess.”  
Gerard nodded. He always got quiet when Frank talked about his depression, and Frank could tell it was because he didn’t know how to help Frank.  
“Look, Frankie, I’m gonna be here with you, okay? I don’t know… How to deal with it, I guess. I’m really good at drinking until my problems aren’t problems anymore and I don’t want you to go through that because I know that it was hard on Mikey and Ray and I’m sure it’d be hard on you too.”  
Gerard seemed to deflate. He wasn’t good at sharing his emotions, Frank noticed. He could hold a conversation, but as soon as things got overly serious, he usually clammed up, depending on who he was with. With Frank, he cautiously shared and Frank took in every piece of information, even the useless tidbits.  
Peter Pan in middle school? Frank remembered.  
Smashing Pumpkins concert with Mikey? Frank remembered. 

Frank was a good boyfriend like that, and he suspected that while Gerard hated when he brought up those tidbits in public, when they had time to be in public, he appreciated that Frank remembered.  
And so winter gradually came, and Frank got more depressed, and Gerard was there for him. Mikey and Ray helped him handle his anxiety at school, but he still kept fucking falling behind. When his first semester ended and his finals came around, his breakdown happened, and it was fucking glorious. He only showed up to one final, his musical performance of his final composition, and then he freaked the fuck out and called Mikey in a frenzy.  
Mikey didn't pick up.  
He had to get away from school, he thought, practically running off campus and letting the cool air sting his face as he paused to light a cigarette. He was speed walking away from campus and he didn’t know where he was going, he just had to leave, he had to leave now, five minutes ago, he couldn’t stand it, he wanted to claw off his skin, or cut, or do something to calm himself down. He felt like he wasn't even a part of his own body, like he was disconnected from his body and he had to come back to it somehow, but he didn’t know how.  
He went home and went fucking insane, because he needed to feel like he was in control. He needed sensation to feel like he was a part of his own body, he needed to feel something physical. He took his little black knife and tore his arms to fucking shreds because he could, because he had to, because he fucking wanted to, and it hurt but god, it didn’t fucking matter because the pain was exactly what he needed and he barely cared that he was dripping blood on his hardwood floor but fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, he could clean it up later, who fucking cared. He sliced until he got to his wrists, because he didn’t cut to die, he cut to cut, and hedgiest went to the other arm and fucking ripped it to shreds until every free space was open, sore, and bloody because he fucking could, he had control of himself goddammit, he could do whatever the fuck he wanted, he had the knife and he was in fucking control.  
He showed up at Gerard’s ten minutes and three cigarettes later, knocking on his door frantically. At this point he couldn’t breathe properly and he was about 70% sure his heart was constricting as a bleary Gerard opened the door a crack because he was just in his boxers. Upon seeing Frank, he opened the door fully and took Frank into his arms.  
“Babe, you’re a fucking mess.”  
Frank smiled through the tears he hadn’t realized had come.  
“No fucking shit.” He hated the way his voice cracked on the word fuck.  
He let Gerard lead him to the couch and he let Gerard take him into his arms and rock him back and forth.  
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s okay Frank.”  
Frank had half expected Gerard to tell him not to bleed on his couch, but he was gently rocking him back and forth.  
“Look, Frankie. I went through this too, I did. I’m not over it. I drank and I cut and I drank and I cut more and it hurts to see you go through this but I’m here. Im always gonna fucking be here no matter what, so next time come to me before and not after, okay?"  
Frank could only nod, nuzzling into Gerard's chest. He listened to Gerard's even breathing and let it calm him down. Eventually he passed out on Gerard’s couch with Gerard petting his hair and gently kissing the top of his head.

And it was okay, it was lovely, it was borderline perfect and Frank wished that he didn’t have to rip his arms to shreds in order to receive love and attention but all the same, he craved it. He'd do anything for Gerard's love and attention.  
He’d never cut again for Gerard.


	9. Frank's Finals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank has some problems during his finals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I kinda went on a writing binge and this is what came out of it. I can start updating more regularly but i almost went back to the hospital last night and that was scary. But anyways, here you guys go! please please leave kudos and/or comment, it really does make my day.  
> -riv

He was fucking frustrated. He’d made his promise, to Gerard and to himself, to not cut, and for some reason it was taking a fucking toll on him. He craved it, craved seeing the blood, and he had no substitute for it. The craving was always there, in class, eating lunch, when he was drifting off to sleep, when he was making to with Gerard. He tried the whole ‘distraction’ thing, and it didn’t work, it just made him think of cutting more. How nice his now-healed white arms would look with lines o redoubling out of them. He’d had the call Gerard in a frenzy a couple of times, on his knee in a college bathroom because he was scared he’d relapse if he didn’t talk to someone, and he didn’t trust anyone else.  
He didn’t trust anyone else.  
Part of Frank was eternally grateful that Gerard was in his life. Gerard held him up when he couldn’t stand, metaphorically and physically, Gerard was the reason he got out of bed some days, he loved him so much.  
He hated it.  
He was practically dependant on Gerard, constantly checking up on him, picking up on his smallest words or actions and spinning them into lies that Gerard didn’t love him anymore. He didn’t know why it was a constant anxiety. He felt like whenever he felt an emotion, he needed Gerard to validate it for him.  
He just needed Gerard. He was scarily dependant on Gerard. He called him at all hours, when he needed help on a project, when he needed someone to smoke with, when he felt something, anything, because Gerard could validate him the way nobody else could. He was developing an increased paranoia about Gerard the more their relationship developed, constantly feeling like Gerard was annoyed by him, that he wanted him gone, but was just too polite to say anything about it.  
He never brought it up, because bringing it up would manipulate Gerard into saying he wasn’t annoyed by him, and that’d only make Frank feel worse.  
One night, the week before exams, Mikey was helping Frank study for his English Lit. exam. (Frank fucking loved English Lit, but he was scared to death that he’d get sidetracked during his exam and write his own poetry instead of analyzing the poetry in front of him).  
He had to shift gears from English, which he loved, to improvisation, which he loved, but was completely shit at.  
“Okay, look, Frank, it’s really basic. I was talking to Pete-Professor Wentz, whatever, and he explains it really well. You just have to build whatever you play on major or minor chords, whichever you want or think will sound better, and worst comes to worst, just bust out some power chords or fucking shred it and there’s no way they can fail you.”  
“He’s not wrong, Frank, don’t worry.”  
Ray threw a bottle of water at Frank and it hit him in the face. It was a great metaphor for how he dealt with exams, but he didn’t quite see it at the time. He was busy being pissy at Ray, who was taking it surprisingly well.  
“Dude, chill, don’t worry. It’s just the pre-exam nerves. You’re gonna be fine.”  
Frank wasn’t very comforted, but he decided that Ray and Mikey, especially Mikey, who’d done this exact sequence of exams before, were probably right. He was going to be fine. He, Frank, who’d almost dropped out in grade eleven, who’d failed his grade ten exams, who had panic attacks during tests, was sure golly gonna be just goddamn fine during his exams. He involuntarily curled his legs inward and tears formed in his eyes. He hated this, he hated looking so weak, so fucking vulnerable, especially in front of Mikey and Ray, who (bless their souls) couldn’t do what he needed them to do, be who he needed them to be.  
“I need to- I need- I need Gerard.”  
The tears were coming out faster and he couldn’t help it, he was having a breakdown on his only friends’ couch, and now they were going to hate him forever, and that only made him cry harder, because he was going to fail his exams and lose all his friends, and then his boyfriend would hate him, he wasn’t sure why yet, but he would, and then he’d be alone and broke and useless and he was silently sobbing into the couch when Ray approached him. When he spoke, his normally soft voice was even gentler.  
“Hey, Frank, I called Gerard. He’s on his way back from school. Is it okay if I touch you?”  
Frank shook his head. He couldn’t handle physical contact, he couldn’t talk anymore, he couldn’t do anything now except cry. He’d only stopped when Gerard had come home and taken Frank into his arms, saying nothing, stroking his hair and quietly reassuring him in soothing tones as Frank’s sobs slowed down and his breathing evened.  
And that was the pre-breakdown breakdown.  
But other than these, he survived his finals season, and despite having only shown up to one of them, he’d done pretty well in that one. He was fairly sure. 

And now he was on his winter break, just as melancholically depressed as he’d been during the summer break. His depression, the fucking parasite, had sucked him dry during finals season, and now he had to recharge, which he was doing with copious amounts of cigarettes and movies with Gerard that could or could not end in sex. It never really mattered to Frank, because either way, he was close to Gerard and sometimes that was all he needed. Gerard was starting to open up to him too, about his relationship with alcohol in he pst, and it was comforting to Frank to know that Gerard trusted him this much, the amount that Frank trusted him.  
“I’m not gonna lie to you, Frankie, it was fucking awful.”  
They were on Gerard’s couch, watching Star Wars IV for the nineteenth time. Mikey was out with Pete-Professor Wentz, and Ray was out with this girl Christa he wouldn’t stop gushing about.  
They didn’t turn off the movie, but Gerard let Frank turn it down.  
“I was hardcore addicted. I couldn’t live without it, Frank. It was like the shittiest never-ending cycle ever. I was depressed, so I drank, and I got more depressed because I drank, so I drank more. I don’t… I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered. I’m still depressed, I’m still anxious as hell, but instead of pouring myself a drink, I pour myself into my art. If that makes sense.”  
He said the last sentence with an open, vulnerable look on his face, and Frank was proud that he could finally start to read Gerard.  
“It totally makes sense. I do that too, with writing and music. It’s usually a coping mechanism for cutting for me, but I’m not comparing that to alcoholism.”  
Gerard nodded.  
“I understand, you’re not comparing yourself, you’re trying to make me feel more comfortable by stating a relatable experience.”  
“Thanks Gee. I’m always scared I’m manipulating you, you know. Like when I talk about my… Shit.” He gestured towards his brain.  
“You’re not! It’s called a healthy and open relationship, which we happen to be in. Trust me, it’s not manipulative to talk about your depression. It helps to talk, even if it's only me. You’re just a cute kid with dark thoughts, and sometimes you need to share them to get over them.”  
“You’re a fucking nerd.”  
Gerard fake frowned.  
“You’re the one who suggested we watch Star wars for the billionth time!”  
Frank frowned because this was, in fact, correct.  
“Yeah well, you like it. So there.”  
Frank stuck his tongue out at Gerard, who stuck his tongue out back at him. Frank, in that moment, was so grateful for Gerard’s existence. And just like that, they were focused back on the movie, absentmindedly holding each other close, Gerard occasionally kissing Frank’s head, and for Frank, with the snow falling outside, and his depressed boyfriend by his side, it was as close to perfect as he could possibly get. And hell, maybe it wouldn’t last forever, but shit. He was going to enjoy this while he could, because even though he didn’t quite know why Gerard settled for him, he loved him with all his fucking heart.


End file.
